Setting Healthy Boundaries
HUGE thank you to Riley for preparing this weeks email. :)
(Riley’s thoughts)
I can really struggle with setting boundaries with close family. I often feel I have to live up to their expectations or wants, even if it goes against my personal beliefs or wants for myself. I often feel attacked for setting the boundaries I need in order to have a healthy relationship them. My boundaries are often disrespected or ignored when they are set, which has led me to have lower self esteem about myself. I sometimes feel I’m not worth the basic respect we all deserve as humans. Setting clear, healthy boundaries is something I still need to work on.
Reading:
How To Set Healthy Boundaries In Close Relationships by Pamela S. Willsey LICSW, BCD, PCC
7 Tips To Create Healthy Boundaries by Abigail Brenner M.D.
“Setting boundaries is a form of self-compassion. Taking care of yourself with values-based decision making is the ability to create the experiences you want for yourself. Additionally, self-compassion will give you the capacity to show compassion to others, strengthening your connections and relationships. Saying ‘no’ is an act of self-compassion, and it can limit emotional pain and suffering.
Not everyone will like you. You can’t be all things to all people, family and friends included. You also won’t be invited or included in all of the things that you wish you were. Setting and communicating clear limits or boundaries is necessary for all healthy relationships.“
“One reason that we fail to set or hold personal boundaries is the erroneous belief that we don’t deserve them. There is no character trait or belief that you hold that makes you undeserving of being treated with dignity and respect. Someone may not like you, but all human beings have the inherent quality of humanity. If someone treats you with less than common courtesy, you have the right to point that out and to expect to be treated considerately.
Know your limits and values.
You are under no obligation to do anything for anyone. By knowing your personal limits and values, you can make good choices about saying yes to requests that have meaning to you and setting boundaries when people ask you to take actions you’re not comfortable taking. You don’t have to support a coworker’s kid’s fundraiser or take on a volunteer project or vote a certain way because it matters to someone else. You decided how to spend your time. Take actions that matter to you.
Be consistent.
Some people have been taught that “No” is an unacceptable answer, and so they will badger you with the same question over and over until you acquiesce to their request. Hold your ground. Just as you might teach a child that you have made a decision by repeating your answer when hounded, you teach others to respect your boundaries by being consistent. You can even reinforce your boundaries by saying something like, “I have already said that I am unable to fulfill your request. Please stop asking. I find it disrespectful that you are not honoring my answer.”
Say “no” when you want to.
You might be the best person to do a job. You might have more skill than others. You might be perceived as having the time available. You might have more resources than others. None of that matters. If you do not want to do something, say "no." If you focus your time, energy, and resources on the activities and people that have value to you, you will develop more self-respect and enthusiasm for the activities you decide to take on.
It's flattering to be asked, but a request does not come with an obligation to accept.
Pay attention to your needs and feelings.
One of the ways we overcommit is by not paying attention to our needs and feelings when our boundaries are pushed or breached. We can potentially worsen depression, anxiety, or feelings of low self worth by disregarding our feelings. What you feel and want in your life matters. Listen to your gut when someone approaches you with a request or treats you in a way that is inappropriate to you.
Communicate clearly and assertively.
If you want someone to respect your boundaries, state what you require clearly. You do not owe an explanation. It is inappropriate for you to be hounded or abused. Your response could be anything from, “I quit,” to “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not willing to take that project on,” to, “I said 'no' and I’m not open to discussing your request further.” When you speak with clarity and firmness, you are more likely to have your boundaries respected.”
“How do you know if your boundaries are being crossed? Generally, there are a few broad categories that comprise boundary violations: verbal, psychological, emotional, and physical. Ethical, spiritual, and moral boundary violations exist as well.
Verbal violations include not allowing you to speak or be heard, raising their voice and/or screaming at you, saying things that are derogatory or inflammatory about your integrity and character, gossiping about you.
Psychological and emotional boundary violations include preying upon your sense of self and self-esteem, using what you’ve told them in confidence against you, lying to you, criticizing, demeaning, judging, or manipulating you, making fun of you, your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for them or a situation, making demands of your time and energy, shaming or embarrassing you, bullying you, or assuring you that their thoughts and beliefs are superior to and more important than yours.
Physical violations include moving into your personal space, touching you without permission, being inappropriate or too familiar, especially sexually (including sexual references and overtures), touching or handling things that belong to you, violating your privacy (cell phone, computer, social media contacts, personal records), damaging or destroying your personal property, or threatening you with physical harm.
Thought/ Journal Topics:
Think of time you did not respect someone’s boundary. What can you do different in the future?
Think of a time you felt you did not have a healthy boundary with someone. How can you make your boundary more clear and healthy?
By setting boundaries, you’re telling others how you want to be treated. List some phrases you can say that make your boundaries clear.
