What am I doing with my life?

What am I doing with my life? Finding purpose.

(Laura’s thoughts)

I’ve been in a funk lately and waking up wondering what the fuck I’m doing with my life.

My mom was terminally ill and had time to reflect on her life before she passed. I remember her being disappointed that she didn’t make it to the Caribbean one last time. At her end of life party we brought in sand so it would feel like she made it to the beach. As I got older I vowed not spend my days chasing a paycheck and not to put work first.

In high school I had friends that got into hard drugs and got pregnant. I wanted to get outta Traverse City and snowboard at a big mountain so I applied to University of Colorado, University of Vermont, and Cascade college in Oregon thinking it was a snowboard college, and then found out it was a very Christian college. Whoops. When I started school in Vermont working out a schedule that allowed me to snowboard was more important that my major. Initially I wanted to be a science text book illustrator, but chem was hard and the labs cut into my riding time. I settled on Sociology.

After college I moved to Salt Lake City and got a job at the Olive Garden because server jobs are good for boarding. I worked my way up to fine dining so I could make more money in less hours and only work dinner shifts. Snowboarding was my north star- it guided my decisions.

I am currently unemployed because I’m recovering from surgery on my hip. I am STRESSED financially. I wasn’t planning on getting surgery so I didn’t have money saved up.

Reading this article helped remind me that I don’t have to know everything or have a long term plan. Trying my best to be a good person, good friend, and mental health advocate is more important to me then having a savings account. If I died tomorrow I would never look back and think, “I wish I worked more.” I’d rather snowboard, have time to run We’re All Mental, and live off ramen noodles than work a year round 9-5. I’ve been feeling really anxious and sad lately, but I know I am doing my best and that is enough. It’s okay to not feel okay and to not be productive all the time.

MLK: “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, you just have to take the first step.”

“My Advice If You Don’t Know What You’re Doing With Your Life”

-By Elyssa Desai

(Edited / shortened for our reading)

 Link to the full article 

Do you know that feeling when you’re just like what am I doing with my life?!Maybe you’re jumping from job to job, thinking the next one will help you feel happier and more fulfilled or you’ve been in your job for a while, you don’t love it but you don’t know where to go or what to do next.

I’m going to run through 6 steps I want you to take if you have no idea what you’re doing with your life.

1.    Identify what you actually want your life to look and feel like

 Sometimes you might find yourself just coasting along in life, you complain about your job, threaten to quit occasionally (ok maybe once a month) but you don’t do anything about it.

 Having a clear vision is essential so you know what life you’re creating – this will guide your decisions and be your north star on your journey

2.    Define your version of success

Using your answers to the above questions, I want you to define your version of success. You may find yourself on a path to a version of success that isn’t yours, it might be your parents, your partners, your friends, societies. Then when you reach it you don’t feel the joy, happiness and fulfillment that you were looking for. This is your opportunity to forget what anyone else wants you to do in life and define what success is for you. Imagine you’re on your deathbed (I know it’s a bit of a morbid thought), what would you love to be able to say you achieved in your career.

It might be working your way up to a senior position at a globally recognized brand, or it might be having multiple businesses, or it could be working as little as possible so you can spend your time doing other things you enjoy in life. There is no right or wrong here.

3.    Realize this is possible for you

Once you’ve written something down for the first two parts, I want you to sit down, read through it and tell yourself this is possible for me.

I want you to commit to telling yourself that every day for the next 30 days or however long it takes for you to believe this (remember repetition is a powerful way to get something into the unconscious mind). If you don’t believe that life is possible for you, there will always be a block to it becoming your reality.

4.    Build a strong foundation of beliefs to support you

When you are feeling lost, stuck and overwhelmed by life and you feel like you will never figure out what you want to do, your mind will latch onto this narrative and say what’s the point.

I want you to build a strong foundation of beliefs so your mindset becomes unshakeable – here are some which are a great place to start.

▫ Everyday I’m getting closer to my dream life.

▫ Everyday I’m getting more and more clarity around my purpose.

▫ Every step I take is leading me to my dream life.

▫ It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing I focus on myself and what step I can take next.

▫ It’s easy for me to take action.

▫ I don’t need to know every single step to reach my goals, I just need to focus on the next step.

▫ It’s ok for me to take a different path to everyone else’s.

▫ I believe in myself

Start to tell these to yourself, especially when you’re feeling a lot of doubt about what to do in your life.

5.    Take action!!

I’m not sure I can emphasize this enough but you need to actually take action on this.

I know it can feel scary and daunting sometimes but if you never try you will never know. Some people never do the first 4 steps and a lot of people who do, get this is point and they never take action. Taking action is the key to getting unstuck.

6.    Take the pressure off

Finally, get ok with trying things and them not being the right thing for you. Take the pressure off everything you try having to be the “right” thing and reassure yourself each step gets you closer to your dream life. If you try something and it doesn’t feel right, you have a choice, give up and think what’s the point OR use it as an opportunity to get even more clarity on what you do want to do. From my experience, the best thing for my career was doing a job I hated as compared to jobs I didn’t mind, it gave me so much clarity and the kick up the ass I needed to act on it.

Plus take the pressure of trying to have the answer right now – the more you focus on the fact you feel uncertain and you don’t know, the more you won’t know. Keep the faith that you will figure it all out at the perfect time for you, I know it’s tricky but enjoy your life along the way.

And finally, you are not alone and remember it might feel like everyone else had it figured out but the that’s not always true!

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• What do you want your life to look like?

• What are your core values?

• What’s important to you right now?

• What can you spend hours doing and lose track of time?

• What excites you? 

• What things do you NOT want?

• How do you want to be remembered?

Political anxiety

Election / Political Anxiety

(Laura’s thoughts)

If you don’t follow politics the article is still relatable. It includes links to other related topics like using activism as self care. Also just a reminder this will be a jump off point for our Meetup but we don’t have to focus on it.

I’ve been feeling really anxious about the upcoming election. It’s gotten to a point where I’m losing sleep, nauseous, and have more headaches. I’ve been spending WAY too much time reading the news and doomscrolling. The news highlights big issues beyond our control, which can make us feel even more helpless.

I tried joining a campaign thinking it might help. I spent 6 days canvassing, knocking on doors, and talking to strangers. My leg/hip was definitely not ready to walk around so much; It got super sore and my knee/hip cramped up which led to me spending an entire day in bed. I feel guilty for quitting the canvas job early because I verbally committed to working it until the 5th. I also feel guilty because I’ve become so invested and informed about the election in the U.S. but I haven’t been reading about the war in Gaza.

Things I’m going to work on this week: no doom scrolling in bed, less news reading in general, respond to my emails, eat actual meals instead of ice cream, focus on things I can do, not massive what-ifs. Which reminds me, ITS OPEN ENROLLMENT for ACA health insurance. Please respond to this email if you want help getting signed up.

Positive things I am doing: writing in my prompt journal daily and I made a plan to hang out with a friend Tuesday and told them I want help staying off my phone. I also made colorful anxiety art.

“Election Stress: Tips to Manage Anxious Feelings About Politics”

-By By Lauren Krouse for jedfoundation.org

(Edited / shortened for our reading)

 Link to the full article 

If you’re grappling with election stress, you are not alone. A national survey suggests that more than 60% of registered voters in the U.S. say politics are a significant source of stress, and some even say they’ve lost sleep over it. Over 25% of voters also say politics have sparked conflict among their family and friends. 

Your political anxiety likely has to do with a lot more than Election Day itself. It’s about the news headlines and social media posts about the increased cost of living, climate change, and gun violence. It’s the decreased protections for LGBTQIA+ youth, youth of color, and other marginalized groups in the U.S. It’s the uncertainty you’re likely feeling after the pandemic gave way to increased loneliness and mental health challenges.

Political stress, political anxiety, or even anger you may feel over politics can be hard to cope with, but you don’t have to carry it alone. With a few strategies and some support, you can begin to feel better, regain a sense of agency, and channel your energy into taking care of yourself and — if it feels right for you — taking action.

Use these tips to navigate election stress and safeguard your mental health during election season and beyond.  

Expect the Need for More Self-Care

Take a moment to identify your biggest sources of political stress. Maybe it’s tough family conversations, concerns about legislation, the fear of the candidate you dislike becoming president, or all of the above. 

Recognize when this stress is set off: Does it bubble up when you have difficult conversations, scroll through TikTok, or watch the news? Reflect on the triggers and come up with specific self-care activities that can help you manage the stress. For example, suppose election content on social media is the most stressful to you. You may follow up with a self-care activity such as reading or FaceTiming a friend, and setting social media boundaries, such as unfollowing overly negative accounts or setting screentime limits.

Take Space From Your Negative Emotions

An effective way to cope with negative feelings about the election is to acknowledge them, process them, and set them aside — but it takes practice. 

Here’s one way to do it: When you feel carried away by anxiety or dread, take a moment to fully accept your feelings. You might say out loud, “I am feeling the anxiety, and letting it go.” You could also take a few minutes to write about how you’re feeling, and then direct your attention to something neutral, such as focusing on your breath or going on a walk. 

Practice Mindfulness

Election stress has a way of pulling your attention into the future. When you find yourself worrying over events you can’t control or predict, use mindfulness to bring your awareness to the present. Engage your senses to ground yourself in the here and now. Ask yourself what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel to recenter your focus. 

Take Screen Breaks

Using distractions such as funny videos or social media to cope with election stress is common and OK in moderation, but it provides only short-term relief. Instead, disengage from stressors by creating phone-free periods or using apps to limit screen time. Feel empowered to start small. Try scheduling a midday walk without your phone, stepping away when your phone is on the charger, or doing a phone-free workout. You could also spend time in nature, going for a hike or playing with a pet.

Take Action to Feel Better This Election Season

One of the biggest sources of election stress is the feeling that you cannot control so many things — how your loved ones vote, whether your candidate wins, which laws get passed. Taking action can help you feel better. 

• Register to vote if you are eligible, and make an Election Day plan to get to the polls.

• Encourage others to get out to vote.

• Work the polls.

• Volunteer with an organization you care about or choose a cause to organize around.

Learn More About Coping With Political Anxiety

Tips for Stressful Election Conversations

When Everything Feels Hostile: 6 Ways to Cope

How to Use Activism as Self-Care

How to Stop Feeling Hopeless

How to Help a Friend or Loved One With Anxiety

Religious Bullying: How to Get Help and Cope

How You Can Cope With Racism and Racial Trauma

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• What have you done to take care of yourself recently? 

• Would you rather avoid a political conversation or approach it with curiosity? Why? 

• What actions could you take to reduce your anxiety?  

• Is social media and/or the news making you feel better or worse? 

• Most of us love friends or family that have very different views from us. How can we navigate challenging situations with them? 

• If you’re not feeling anxious about the war or politics how could you use your energy to support someone who is struggling? 

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Seasonal Affective Disorder

(Billi’s thoughts)

The Leaves are changing color and the air is starting to get more crisp in the morning. 

For some this means the beginning of their favorite season of the year. Winter.

For others it’s a time to reflect on the year so far and the short time we have left of it.

Then there are those people who deal with SAD - Seasonal Affected Disorder. 

A time in someone’s life where yearly they start to feel down and not themselves, being linked to the changing of the seasons. Especially the difference in light exposure and heat in the air. 

I am unsure if I have ever dealt with SAD, however I definitely have felt a difference in my energy and happiness levels when the sun is out shorter and Vitamin D is lacking. 

By being aware of how my moods change not only monthly but during the changing of the seasons. I’ve learnt to be kind to myself during these times and tend to the needs of my mind and body. 

The following article talks a little more about SAD. 

“Embrace the seasonal shift with a focus on mental wellness”

-By thinkpress for thinkhealthcare.gov

(Edited / shortened for our reading)

 Link to the full article 

The Connection Between Seasons and Mental Health

The arrival of fall marks a time of transition for both the environment and our internal states. Seasonal changes, particularly the shift from the bright, sunny days of summer to the colder, darker days of fall and winter, can influence mental health in a variety of ways. These changes affect not only our daily routines but also our biological rhythms, hormone levels, and overall mood.

How Seasonal Changes Affect the Body and Mind

With the reduction in daylight, our circadian rhythm—the internal clock that governs our sleep-wake cycle—can be disrupted. This disruption affects not only our sleep but also our mood. Sunlight plays a significant role in regulating the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps maintain mood balance. Reduced exposure to sunlight can lead to decreased serotonin levels, contributing to feelings of sadness and depression. Simultaneously, the decrease in sunlight leads to an increase in melatonin production, a hormone responsible for regulating sleep, which can result in increased fatigue and sluggishness.

Moreover, the colder weather and shorter days often limit opportunities for outdoor activities and social interactions. This reduction in activity can contribute to feelings of isolation and decreased energy levels. Maintaining healthy habits, such as regular exercise and balanced nutrition, becomes more challenging during this time, further affecting mental health.

While not everyone is affected by seasonal changes, those living in northern regions with long, dark winters may experience more pronounced effects on their mental health. Understanding these impacts can help individuals prepare and manage their mental well-being effectively.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Recognizing and Addressing Seasonal Depression

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at certain times of the year, most often in the fall and winter months when there is less natural sunlight. While SAD is more commonly associated with winter, it can also occur in the summer months for some individuals. This cyclical pattern of depression is directly linked to the changing seasons and can significantly affect a person’s mental health and daily functioning.

Recognizing the Symptoms of SAD

The symptoms of SAD often begin in the late fall and early winter, as the days grow shorter, and typically resolve in the spring or early summer. Common symptoms of winter-related SAD include:

• Persistent feelings of sadness or depression

• Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed

• Fatigue and low energy levels

• Difficulty concentrating

• Changes in sleep patterns, such as sleeping too much

• Changes in appetite or weight, often craving carbohydrates and gaining weight

• Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or guilt

• In severe cases, thoughts of death or suicide

In contrast, individuals who experience SAD during the summer months may notice symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, weight loss, irritability, and increased anxiety.

It is important to note that SAD is not just “the winter blues” or a case of feeling down because of the weather. It is a diagnosable mental health condition that can have a serious impact on a person’s quality of life. If left untreated, SAD can lead to more severe depression or other mental health disorders.

Treatment Options for Seasonal Affective Disorder

Common treatment approaches include:

• Light Therapy: One of the cornerstone treatments for SAD is light therapy. This approach involves using a lightbox that mimics natural sunlight, thereby helping to regulate serotonin levels and improve mood. Light therapy is most effective when used for about 20 to 30 minutes each morning. However, it’s crucial to use light therapy under the guidance of a healthcare provider, as overuse can lead to side effects such as insomnia, hyperactivity, or eye strain.

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective psychological treatment for SAD. CBT helps individuals identify and reframe negative thought patterns associated with depression. During therapy, patients work with a therapist to develop coping strategies and engage in activities that improve mood and motivation. CBT often involves multiple sessions throughout the winter months and can be particularly beneficial for those experiencing significant emotional and cognitive challenges related to SAD.

• Medication Therapy: Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) are commonly prescribed for managing symptoms of depression, including those associated with SAD. SSRIs work by increasing the levels of serotonin in the brain, which can help improve mood and alleviate depressive symptoms.

• Vitamin Therapy: Vitamin D supplementation can be a helpful addition to managing SAD, particularly if natural sunlight exposure is limited. While it’s best to obtain vitamin D through diet and sunlight, supplements can offer additional support. Foods rich in vitamin D include dairy products, fortified foods, oily fish like salmon and tuna, and eggs. If you choose to take vitamin D supplements, it’s advisable to start them before the decrease in daylight hours and consult with your primary care physician or clinical pharmacist for personalized advice.

Practical Tips for Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder

Stay Connected

Maintaining social connections can be particularly beneficial during the fall and winter months.

Get Moving

Exercise is a powerful tool for improving mood and overall well-being. Physical activity stimulates the release of endorphins, which can help counteract depressive symptoms. Start with manageable activities, such as a daily walk or using a stationary bike.

Mind Your Diet

Be mindful of your food choices, and try to incorporate a balanced diet that supports your mental health. Focus on incorporating foods rich in vitamin D to support your mood and overall health.

Take Care of Your Mental Health as the Seasons Change

As fall arrives and the days grow shorter, we can all be mindful of how seasonal changes may impact our mental health. Whether you experience a mild shift in mood or struggle with more severe seasonal depression, taking proactive steps can make all the difference. Try self-care, reach out for support if needed, and remember that you are not alone in navigating the seasonal shift. Whether it’s through light therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, or simply spending time outdoors, there are many ways to manage seasonal changes and maintain a positive outlook as the seasons change.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and taking steps to address it can improve your overall well-being as you move into the cooler months ahead.

Communication Styles

We all communicate differently, and that’s okay.

Communication Styles

(Laura’s thoughts)

How we say something matters just as much as what we actually say. Clear communication is something we often take for granted when in actuality it is hard to achieve. What someone else hears is often not what we meant.

I just got into an argument with my brother and sister in a group text. It probably would have been avoided if we were able to talk on the phone. My siblings invited me to join them for Thanksgiving and were looking up flight prices. I responded that I would love to visit them but can’t afford a plane ticket right now. A few days later they reached out again to let me know that they wanted me to come and ticket prices weren’t that bad.

I’m pretty sure what they meant to convey was that they loved me and wanted me to visit. Instead, I felt like they weren’t listening and like they were rubbing in the fact that I’m broke right now. I felt like my brother was implying that I make poor financial decisions. Regardless of what I said, I think my brother heard: I don’t value spending time with my family, because If I did I would buy a ticket.

I feel like when I really care about something I am more likely to miscommunicate because my emotions are running high. It’s wrong to assume the people around me know how I’m feeling. Even if I try to explain myself I still might be misunderstood.

I try to let people know when I’m emotionally drained or distracted. At work I might say things like: “Can you please be patient with me today? I might need you to explain things twice.” Or - “I’m feeling super anxious and high strung. I’m sorry if I get snappy today, its not about you at all. “

“Types of Communication Styles And How to Identify Them”

-By Meghan Palmer for Southern new Hampshire University.edu

(Edited / shortened for our reading.)

 Link to the full article 

What are the 4 Types of Communication Styles?

According to LaFave and other business leaders, communication can be categorized into four main styles:

1. Passive Communication often looks like not communicating at all for fear of speaking up. This can lead to misunderstandings.

2. Aggressive Communication tends to be driven by anger and judgment and can also result in inflexibility. This can create a hostile environment.

3. Passive-Aggressive Communication might mean you don’t directly communicate your feelings, but you hold on to negative emotions and let those affect your actions. This can cause confusion and resentment.

4. Assertive Communication is confident but also respectful of others' thoughts and feelings. Assertive communication creates space for honest conversations and promotes healthy connections between individuals.

What Other Factors Affect How Someone Communicates?

"Interpersonal communication is multifaceted," said Dr. Jim Owston, a communication instructor at SNHU. According to Owston, it's hard to define someone by just one communication style. If someone is using an aggressive communication style in a meeting, that doesn't mean it's the style they use all the time.

Owston points to some key factors that he has seen impact how someone communicates, including:

• Cultural and social conventions

• Gender and social roles

• Emotions and perception

• Environment or medium

These additional factors can explain why someone communicates the way they do. But they can also explain how other people interpret those messages.

"In some instances," LaFave said, "assertiveness can come across as aggression, which could have negative impacts on the person who is asserting themselves."

LaFave points to gender as one outside factor that can negatively affect how communication is interpreted. While assertiveness may be praised in men, "women are more likely to be seen as aggressive when they assert themselves," she said. It's important to think about how your communication style comes across and what factors may affect how you view someone else's style, too.

How Do You Identify Communication Styles?

According to LaFave, being able to identify someone's communication style can help you:

• Develop and deliver your message clearly

• Avoid or prevent conflicts

• Achieve your goals

• Build successful relationships

1. Consider Your Relationship

How someone communicates can be based on their role or your relationship to them.

2. Employ Active Listening

Active listening is a useful strategy that can help you identify someone’s communication style.

"Active listening means listening not just with our ears but also with our eyes and with our heart," said LaFave. "We can do that by asking questions that seek to understand the meaning behind what is being spoken." To LaFave, active listening also means not jumping to conclusions.

For example, if someone is speaking in a direct and concise manner, active listening can help you determine the reasons behind that choice. You might assume they are being aggressive, but in reality, they may just be short on time.

3. Think About Emotional Intelligence

To help you understand someone's communication style, both LaFave and Owston recommend reflecting on your level of emotional intelligence as well as that of the person you're talking to.

LaFave points to five aspects of emotional intelligence that can contribute to our communication patterns:

1. Empathy: The ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, acknowledging their emotions and experiences.

2. Self-awareness: Being able to recognize your own emotions, strengths and weaknesses and how these impact others as well as your own decision-making.

3. Social skills: How you connect with people to build positive and meaningful relationships.

4. Self-regulation: Not allowing negative feelings to get the best of you in tough situations.

5. Motivation: Knowing what is inspiring the choices that you make.

"The balance of these elements impacts the style of our communication," said LaFave. "For example, people who struggle with empathy or self-regulation may be more prone to communicate aggressively or passive-aggressively."

How Does Culture Affect Communication Styles?

Culture is a big part of communication. Everyone comes into an interaction with their own set of values, beliefs and experiences.

According to the U.S. Department of State, someone's communication style can be impacted by the role context plays in their culture:

• High context communication: This style tends to focus more on relationships, formality and hierarchy, with someone shifting how they communicate based on a specific scenario.

• Low context communication: This style is often straightforward and personal, with people saying exactly what they mean and focusing on getting tasks done.

It can be confusing when somebody else communicates in a style you're not used to. You may not be sure how to respond in some situations. Or maybe you don't understand why someone reacted to something that seemed normal to you.

"We all carry with us implicit biases that we may or may not be aware of," said LaFave. "Before we even begin speaking, we form impressions of another person based on our initial observations, past experiences and even biases that we may or may not be aware of."

Miscommunications and misunderstandings can get in the way of building strong relationships, so it can be helpful to know that everyone speaks in their own way. When working with someone from another culture or country, take some time to learn more about their cultural communication norms.

What Do Communication Styles in the Workplace Look Like?

Communication is an important soft skill to work on and can benefit both your personal and professional life. In the workplace, you may find that your personal style complements or clashes with the styles of your coworkers.

In addition to someone's communication style, a project can also be affected by how clear someone's message is.

"If instructions and the nature of the task are not clear to those (working on) the project, there will be problems," Owston said. "It is important for the leader of the project to clearly communicate the goals and outcomes of the project. SMART goals are one tool that can help in this regard."

If someone's communication is vague, it can lead to misunderstandings and delays in completing tasks. Clear and concise communication means everyone understands their roles and responsibilities, leading to more efficient collaboration and successful outcomes.

How Do Digital Spaces Affect Communication Styles?

You may be used to doing a lot of your communication online, either via text message or email. Your communication style online will be similar to your style face-to-face, but you may have to make some adjustments.

“The primary problem with digital communication is that it lacks significant nonverbal cues,” said Owston. “Nonverbal cues can be expressed when someone types in ALL CAPS, marks up passages in bold text or underlined text or has an overuse of exclamation points!!!!!! These can all be perceived negatively.”

Without nonverbal cues, the reader can insert their feelings and emotions into your message. What you intended to sound assertive can come off sounding aggressive if someone reads your message the wrong way. Being aware of what you’re writing — and how you’re writing it — can ensure that your message is clear over text or email.

To Owston, this means:

• Choosing your words carefully.

• Avoiding “you” language, as it implies the sender is pointing fingers at the receiver.

• Typing messages in a word processor first to avoid accidental sending.

• Using spell check and grammar check on all of your messages.

If you're going to send something that may be misunderstood or taken in the wrong way, Owston encourages waiting 24 hours before sending that text or email. "See if you have the same feeling that you did the previous day," he said. "You probably won’t."

How Can Someone Improve Their Communication Skills?

Some people seem to be natural communicators, but communication is a skill that you can build over time.

"The best way to improve our communication is to learn and to practice," said LaFave. "It helps to set specific goals and work through them as we engage in everyday interactions."

One way to improve your communication skills is to focus on your listening skills. "This might look like practicing active listening and trying to identify another question to ask about whatever is being discussed," said LaFave. Instead of simply reacting to what someone is saying, responding thoughtfully might be a good goal to set.

Owston adds that there are small ways you can work on your communication skills every day. He encourages anyone trying to be a better communicator to:

• Ask questions.

• Make interactions about the individual and not about yourself.

• Remember how you say something is more important than what you say.

Strong communicators are an important part of any successful team. Working on your communication skills might not only be about identifying other people's communication styles — but also reflecting on your own. By putting effort into being a skilled communicator, you can improve your relationships, prevent misunderstandings and understand other people better. 

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• Think of the last argument you got in. Was it related to communication? How could you navigate things differently in the future? 

• How does your communication style change with your moods?

• Do you usually address matters right away, or after you’ve cooled down?

• How would you describe your communication styles to a new friend or co-worker?

• What steps could you take to communicate more clearly?

Coping with Disasters

Disasters

(Billi’s thoughts)

This weeks topic comes in a little late but I believe is something that definitely needs to be talked about more. You never know when it might happen, and disasters are normally the last thing you think about. 

It’s only now that the fires around the San Bernardino counties and surrounding areas are slowing down. The whole month of September had an underlying fear in the air due to the fires that were at our back door. 

At the start it was the smoke that made the air so hard to breathe. It was then the evacuation warning, followed by a mandate for the area I lived in. 

The fires got close twice but luckily never close enough to cause property damage. 

We were in the clear for about a week and then it was knocking at our back door again with little success of being too big a threat. 

So very thankful for the out come and those who were on the front line. 

Even if life went on normal-ish during this time. It was still unsettling. 

 During this time our hearts went out to our  neighboring mountain community of Mountain High, who were not so lucky. Not to mention the storms that our hitting the east coast of the United States. 

Disasters are so unpredictable. You get warnings maybe a day before however you never really know how bad it is until it hits your area. There are no rules on how to deal with the suspense of the unknown out comes. There is also not much talk on how these situations can have a toll on your mental health. 

“Coping With Disaster”

-Sourced from Mental Health America National.org

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the book below)

 Link to the full article 

Coping With Disaster

If your community has been hit by a disaster or violent event, you’re probably trying to make sense of what happened and deal with the stress of the situation. These events create a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety for those directly and indirectly affected. In the days and weeks following the disaster, you may begin to have some of these common reactions:

Common Reactions

• Disbelief and shock

• Fear and anxiety about the future

• Disorientation; difficulty making decisions or concentrating

• Changes in eating patterns; loss of appetite or overeating

• Crying for “no apparent reason”

• Headaches, back pains and stomach problems

Tips for Coping

It is ‘normal’ to have difficulty managing your feelings after major traumatic events. However, if you don’t deal with the stress, it can be harmful to your mental and physical health. Here are some tips for coping in these difficult times:

• Talk about it. By talking with others about the event, you can relieve stress and realize that others share your feelings.

• Spend time with friends and family. They can help you through this tough time. If your family lives outside the area, stay in touch by phone. If you have any children, encourage them to share their concerns and feelings about the disaster with you.

• Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest and exercise, and eat properly. If you smoke or drink coffee, try to limit your intake, since nicotine and caffeine can also add to your stress.

• Limit exposure to images of the disaster. Watching or reading news about the event over and over again will only increase your stress.

• Find time for activities you enjoy. Read a book, go for a walk, catch a movie or do something else you find enjoyable. These healthy activities can help you get your mind off the disaster and keep the stress in check.

• Take one thing at a time. For people under stress, an ordinary workload can sometimes seem unbearable. Pick one urgent task and work on it. Once you accomplish that task, choose the next one. “Checking off” tasks will give you a sense of accomplishment and make things feel less overwhelming.

• Do something positive. Give blood, prepare “care packages” for people who have lost relatives or their homes or jobs, or volunteer in a rebuilding effort. Helping other people can give you a sense of purpose in a situation that feels ‘out of your control.’

• Avoid drugs and excessive drinking. Drugs and alcohol may temporarily seem to remove stress, but in the long run they generally create additional problems that compound the stress you were already feeling.

• Ask for help when you need it. If you have strong feelings that won’t go away or if you are troubled for longer than four to six weeks, you may want to seek professional help. People who have existing mental health problems and those who have survived past trauma may also want to check in with a mental health care professional. Being unable to manage your responses to the disaster and resume your regular activities may be symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a real and treatable illness. Help is available. Make an appointment with a mental health professional to discuss how well you are coping with the recent events. You could also join a support group. Don’t try to cope alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• -Have you ever been affected by a disaster or traumatic event? If so write about it. 

• Whether you’ve been directly affected or know someone who has; what emotions are connected to these sorts of events? 

• What things do you think you could do to help any unsettling feelings you might have around a disaster ? 

• How could you help or make a change to the situation at hand? 

• What steps could you take to be more prepared emotionally if an unexpected disaster was to happen? E.g: always have a bag packed, make sure you keep in contact with family all the time.

Dopamine Addiction

(Luther’s thoughts)

I recently just finished reading a book called Dopamine Nation; Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Anna Lembke, MD.

I like many others, am addicted to dopamine. I have a few addictions.

One of my biggest ones is social media. Another one is weed. What I

find so hard about it is that it’s easy and accessible. I can go on my

phone to check a text before a nap and all of a sudden I am scrolling

Instagram and it’s been two hours. This is something I struggle a lot

with. It’s hard because social media is a big part of my job, so I

rationalize my behavior by saying I’m “doing research” or looking for

ideas.

This week's reading might be a little different. I want to share a few

passages from the book I read that highlights addiction and frames it

for what it is, our attempt to escape from pain and discomfort.

“Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence”

-by Anna Lembke, MD

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the book below)

 Link to Dopamine Nation on World Of Books 

“Prior to the 1900s, doctors believed some degree of pain was healthy Leading surgeons in the 1800s were reluctant to adopt general anesthesia during surgery…

The famous seventh-century physician Thomas Sydenham said this

about pain: ‘I look upon every…effort calculated totally to subdue

that pain and inflammation dangerous in the extreme… for certainty a

moderate degree of pain and inflammation in the extremities are the

instruments which nature makes use of for the wisest purposes.’

By contrast, doctors today are expected to eliminate all pain

lest they fail in their role as compassionate healers. Pain in any

form is considered dangerous, not just because it hurts but also

because it is thought to kindle the brain for future pain by leaving

neurological wounds that never heal.

The paradigm shift around pain has translated into massive

prescribing of feel-good pills” (Lembke 38).

“Beyond extreme examples of running from pain, we’ve lost the ability

to tolerate even minor forms of discomfort. We’re constantly seeking

to distract ourselves from the present moment, to be entertained…

We’re all running from pain. Some of us take pills. Some of us

couch-surf while binge-watching Netflix. Some of us read romance

novels. We’ll do almost anything to distract ourselves from ourselves.

Yet all this trying to insulate ourselves from pain seems only to have

made our pain worse” Lembke 40-44).

The book continues on to explain this phenomenon by framing dopamine and our brain in a picture of a pleasure-pain scale.

“We’ve all experienced craving in the aftermath of pleasure. Whether

it’s reaching for a second potato chip or clinking the link for

another round of video games, it’s natural to want to re-create those

good feelings or try not to let them fade away. The simple solution is

to keep eatin, or playing, or watching, or reading. But there’s a

problem with that.

With repeated exposure to the same or similar pleasure stimulus,

the initial deviation to the side of pleasure gets weather and shorter

and the after-response to the side of pain gets stronger and longer, a

process scientists call neuroadaptation. That is, with repetition…we

need more and more of our drug of choice to get the same effect.

Needing more of a substance to feel pleasure or experiencing less

pleasure at a given dose, is called tolerance. Tolerance is an

important factor in the development of addiction” (Lembke 53).

At the end of the book, it summarizes the key points into “Lessons of

the Balance” I will list a few of them here.

● The relentless pursuit of pleasure (and avoidance of pain) leads

to pain

● Recovery begins with abstinence

● Abstinence resets the brain’s reward pathway and with it our

capacity to take joy in simpler pleasures.

● Self-binding creates literal and metacognitive space between

desire and consumption, a modern necessity in our dopamine-overloaded world. [Self-binding is when a person makes

it difficult and puts barriers up to stop themselves from doing

something they don’t want to do. Example delete social media]

● Pressing on the pain side (of the scale) resets our balance to

the pleasure side

● Beware of getting addicted to pain

● Radical honesty promotes awareness, enhances intimacy and fosters

a plenty mindset

● Instead of running away from the world, we can find escape by

immersing ourselves in it.

There is a lot more in this book I couldn’t cover, but I think the main takeaways are clear. Addiction is not easy, especially when we are in a world that is set up in a way for easy access to our drugs of choice. It’s not simply a matter of personal will, but there are things we can do. Observe and be conscious of our behaviors and when we are shying away from not just pain, but discomfort. Be honest with yourself and those around you when seeking support. And finally, try to embrace the world around us, facing the pain head-on.

( PS I wanted to make a little disclaimer. Everyone’s needs are

different and some may be dealing with chronic health issues. This is

not medical advice or an attempt to shame anyone. Only you know what’s best for you. Peace and love <3 )

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• Do you have an addiction or habit you want to change? If so, what?

• What are some things you can do to help reduce temptation?

• Have you told anyone the full extent of this habit or addiction?

• Do you think you are able to have a healthy relationship with it,

  or is this something where moderation doesn’t seem to work?

• What are some addictions or habits you have overcome in the past?

• How did you do it?

• Reminisce on old habits you have overcome. How does that make you feel?

Asking for Help

Asking for help

(Laura’s thoughts)

I don’t like asking for help. It often seems like the process of asking for help and then receiving help will take longer and be more stressful then doing it by myself.

What if the person I ask for help does it wrong? Or doesn’t understand? Or questions why I need help in the first place?

Being off my feet and on crutches right now means I need to ask for help more than I’d like. I got really nervous and anxious thinking about asking my neighbor to mow my lawn. Like how the fuck am I gonna flag him down off his riding mower. Before I even got down my steps he was walking over to check in with me, and was happy to mow my lawn. He asked if there was anything else I needed and reminded me that him and his wife are happy to help. That made me feel really good and like I’m part of the neighborhood.

Asking for help for physical tasks is slightly less intimidating then asking for help for emotional stuff. Over the past 3 years I have gotten better at acknowledging when I could use support emotionally and being specific about who I want to help me and how they best can.

I like to ask one person, and start by explaining why I’m asking them, like because they make me feel safe and loved. Then I’ll ask them to support me in one of these ways:

• I don’t want advice. I just want to vent and for you to listen and tell me it’s gonna be okay.

• Can you offer me advice or share a story of how you got thru a similar situation?

• Can you ask me questions to help me work through this? Can you ask me what I’m so freaked out about, what I’ve actually done to help myself so far, what my plan is moving forward?

• Can you check in with me once a day, or once a week, and remind me that you care about me?

“4 Tips to Effectively Ask for Help—and Get a Yes”

-by Jeffrey Davis M.A. for Psychologytoday.com

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

As highly social animals, we humans depend on one another to learn and grow. What’s more, research shows that helping others actually makes us feel good and that generosity is likely an important evolutionary adaptation for our species. If we are hardwired for altruism, why then is it so uncomfortable for us to ask for help?

In a society that praises self-help and self-reliance, it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to ask our colleagues, friends, and even our family for the assistance we need. The mere thought of asking for help can eat away at our ego, undermine our confidence, make us question our abilities, and even paralyze us with anxiety. Yet in modern life—at a time when we are more digitally connected and emotionally detached than ever—the stark reality is that no one can go it alone.

Learning how to ask for (and accept) help is perhaps one of the greatest skills you can develop. Luckily, new research shows that asking for and actually getting help is a lot easier and less daunting than it seems

But first, let’s examine our contradictory reluctance to take advantage of this evolutionary altruism.

Why Is Asking for Help So Hard?

The primary reason is fear. We fear that we’ll be turned down, laughed at, or revealed to be a fraud. Though these fears are usually unfounded, we are loathe to ask for help because this seemingly simple act carries a number of high social risks: rejection, vulnerability, diminished status, and the inherent relinquishing of control. In the face of these threats, fear overrides reason and, as studies in neuroscience show, this risk of emotional pain activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain.

Another reason why asking for help seems so hard is that we are pretty terrible at articulating our needs in a way that someone can offer constructive aid. This is partially due to a cognitive bias that social psychologists call the illusion of transparency, or the mistaken belief that our feelings, thoughts, and needs are obvious to other people. Too often, we wait for someone to notice our telepathic plea for help and inevitably get frustrated when no one does.

4 Tips to Ask for (and Get) Help

1. Be concise and specific. Asking for and offering help can only be productive under one crucial condition: clear communication. Try to communicate your request as clearly and concisely as possible. There is no need to over-explain: simply describe what the task is, why it matters, and how the person you’re asking can contribute. Try to be as specific as possible so they know exactly what it is they will need to do and can accurately judge how much time and energy the task will take.

Furthermore, be willing to negotiate. Let them decide how much support they can offer and try to find a mutually beneficial solution.

2. Don’t apologize. Don’t apologize for asking for help. No one gets excited about a task that the asker feels the need to apologize for. We all need help sometimes and it's nothing to be ashamed of—but apologizing makes it seem like you’re doing something wrong by asking and casts the task at hand in a negative light.

On that note, don’t minimize your need with phrases like “I hate to ask...” or “It’s just a small thing.” This suggests that their assistance is trivial and takes the joyous sense of accomplishment out of helping. After all, how am I supposed to feel if you “hate to ask” for my assistance? Similarly, don’t ask them to do you a favor. This can make people feel obliged to say yes.

3. Make it personal, not transactional. Don’t ask for help over email or text. Though it’s easier to send a written request, it’s also a lot easier to say no to one. Try to speak face to face or call. Studies show that face-to-face requests are 34 times more successful!

Make your request more personal by explaining why the person’s skills or expertise make them uniquely suited to this task. This casts them as a helpful person and not just another person you can resort to for help. Studies show that when people are asked to “be a generous donor”—rather than simply asked to donate—they are more likely to say yes and donate larger sums.

Finally, don’t emphasize reciprocity. While we tend to think that sweetening the deal with the promise of a returned favor is a good strategy, this kind of language makes your request feel transactional. People don’t like feeling indebted to others, and others are more likely to help you if you show genuine appreciation for their aid rather than assign their efforts a monetary value.

4. Follow up with results. Beyond expressing your gratitude, you should follow up with the helper to share the tangible results of their aid. As much as we’d like to think that acts of generosity are their own reward, the reality is that people long to feel effective. We want to feel that the work we do and the help we give matters. Take the time to show the people who help you why their support not only matters to you, but how it makes a larger impact on your life, work, or community.

Next time you think you need some help, remember that there are more people than you think who are eager to lend a hand. More importantly, use these suggestions to ask in a way that empowers you and the person you’re asking to reap the rewards of generosity and collaboration.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• Who could you ask for help with physical tasks or things like rides to the airport?

• Who could you ask for emotional support? 

• Reach out to these people and let them know you care about them. Check in with them! Then next time you want to ask them for help it won’t seem as shitty.

• Save a voice memo or note on your phone with the precise language you would use to ask for help. 

• If you have a hard time asking for help, why? What specifically makes you nervous? Writing it down might help calm your nerves.

• How does it feel when someone successfully helps you? 

• Reach out to someone who has helped you in the past and let them know you appreciate them.

Having Fun

Adapting when challenged

(Billi’s thoughts)

 Sometimes putting fun first is key. 

 This morning after a super busy fun full weekend I messaged Laura about a topic and if she sent out the email. She had not, she herself was having a fun weekend where she, for once, forgot all about the long list of things she needed to do and just purely enjoyed the present. 

 The thing about running a community like We’re All Mental is that you have to show up 24/7. When you’re not posting, writing, emailing, and speaking to people about the future, you’re spending any spare time thinking about what steps you need to do next. 

 Most of the time this is 100% satisfying, especially when we see how the hard work is paying off.

 Other times it can get overwhelming. It’s like having a child that you need to check up on all the time. It can be defeating, exhausting and sometimes you just don’t want to do it. 

On the days when you do show up, it is the best feeling when we receive a like, comment, email or some other connection from you all. 

This weekend an unintentional a holiday was taken to refresh the mind. 

A time where we both got to enjoy the moment in the now. 

 No matter how big the list or how much you think you need to be doing, fun really does need to come first sometimes.

 I would love to say sorry for the late topic, but I don’t believe I am sorry for taking this time off. However I am most thankful for each and everyone of you that turns up, helps out and a make this community what it is

“Here's why you should make a habit of having more fun”

-by April Fulton for NPR

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

When was the last time you flew too high on a swing and lost your stomach, or busted out laughing so hard that you started crying?

If it's been awhile since you've had this kind of fun, you're not alone.

A lot of us are still recovering from antisocial habits formed in the pandemic. And these days, events outside of our control are taking a serious toll on our health. Last fall, 76% of adults surveyed by the American Psychological Association said stress from politics, race relations, violence and inflation has affected their health. They report experiencing headaches, fatigue, depression, nervousness and exhaustion.

But the antidote may be hiding in plain sight.

Psychologist Mike Rucker makes the case that pursuit of fun experiences may be even more valuable than seeking the sometimes abstract goal of happiness.

"Happiness is a state of mind," Rucker writes. "But fun is something you can do. It doesn't require education, money or power. All it requires is intentionality. If happiness is a mirage, fun is your backyard oasis."

1. Stop worrying about how happy you are

People who highly value happiness may end up feeling "disappointed about how they feel, paradoxically decreasing their happiness the more they want it," wrote the authors of a 2011 study in the journal Emotion.

In contrast, fun is relatively easy to achieve yet many adults are conditioned to believe that it isn't important, and experience very little of it.

"Even if you're not happy, you can have fun, even if that's just having coffee with a friend."

Science has just begun to study the importance of fun and play, so there's not a strict definition. But Rucker writes that fun generally involves doing something active and intentional (as opposed to mindlessly watching TV), often includes other people, is something you choose for yourself, and can give a thrill that transcends the ordinary.

2. Find your 'fun magnets'

If you're not sure where to start, Price recommends you ask yourself: What are my "fun magnets?"

"Put your phone away for a while and come up with three to four memories when you had real fun," she advises.

Look for common threads, like which people are involved, what kinds of activities you enjoy, where do they take place. Are there activities that would be fun that you'd like to try? Are there activities you can get rid of that are not fun?

3. Put fun on the calendar

Once you identify what fun is to you, you can start to schedule more of it.

A game night — especially something as absorbing and mentally challenging as mahjong — can be a bright spot in the week.

But fun comes more easily when you're young, says Price. When you're older, you don't find yourself in the kind of unstructured environments conducive to fun, like a playground full of kids you don't know.

Sometimes people you could have fun with are waiting for an invitation. "It's like romance," she says of scheduling fun. "You need to light some candles, set the scene."

But it's well worth it. People who take a vacation return to their work less stressed and possibly more creative, and the benefits could extend to smaller adventures.

When you put something fun like a hike on the calendar, you open up to moments of "awe and wonder," like the surprise appearance of a deer on the path, for example, Rucker says. These moments can improve mood and lower stress levels, which can reduce the risk of heart disease and diabetes.

4. Unplug (no, but seriously!)

Pay attention to how much of your leisure time is spent scrolling on a phone or passively watching TV, Rucker advises. That's "yielding to the nothing," he says, and is a deceptively easy escape from feelings of boredom or discomfort.

Most of us have control over at least two hours of our day for leisure activities, and some of us have up to five hours. But the average American uses up more than two hours on social media per day. Consider using your time instead to do "just one thing that used to bring you joy," suggests Rucker.

Technology can be the enemy of fun. If you're always connected to your phone, checking that one last email or text, you're not present. Rucker says. "We need to "stop being 'on' all the time."

Real fun usually involves sensory experiences and, often, interactions with other people.

NPR listener Rachel Maryam Smith fell in love with making giant soap bubbles when she was in college. She soon started making them in public, eventually hosting events with up to 300 people. She loves that bubbles put a smile on everyone's face.

5. Share the fun and amplify it

Another tip Price swears by for more fun is sharing what brings you delight with someone else. Price now has running text chains with several friends who send her photos of upbeat moments throughout their day. Just for fun, she recently sent some friends $10 disco balls she discovered on Amazon so they could delight in their own dance parties.

Like any new habit, fun takes practice, as well as trial and error. Experts say start small and build.

"It's harder to get to spontaneity if you have to schedule it on your calendar, but once you do, you're creating more opportunity for spontaneity to happen," Rucker says.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• When was the last time you had fun?

• What things do you do when you want to have fun? 

• Reflect on the past week, was there more work then fun? If so how can you fit more fun in? 

• What activities in the near future would you like to do ? What hikes, music gigs, traveling adventures are you planning ? 

• What makes you laugh? 

• What makes you happy? 

• What are your top 5 bucket list adventures? 

Dealing With Rejection

Dealing with rejection

(Billi’s thoughts)

 Nothing blows quite as hard as being rejected. The gut-wrenching emotions that follow after you’ve put yourself out there, been vulnerable, and had your hopes up never feels good. 

I always thought the response to rejection is linked to low self-esteem. Lately I’ve been learning to thrive in who I am but the feelings of being rejected still burn just as hard. 

Whether it  be a friend, someone you like, a job you applied for, or studies you put your heart into, it all sucks.

Maybe it comes from the lack of control we have on some situations. That no matter how hard you try or feel something is right, nothing is really in our control except our own reactions to a situation. 

For me now, when rejected, I like to tell myself that it wasn’t meant to be at this time of my life.

In saying that, it still doesn’t stop the emotions from rolling in.

“How to handle rejection gracefully: 10 mindful tips for moving on”

-Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA for Calm.com

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

Rejection is an experience we all face at some point in our lives, whether it's in our personal relationships, professional endeavors, or social interactions. It can be painful and challenging, but understanding how to handle rejection gracefully can transform it into an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.

What is rejection and why does it hurt so much?

Rejection may occur when a person or group declines or dismisses someone's attempt at connection.

The pain associated with rejection may be rooted in our need for social connections and acceptance as well as the value we place on our connections with others.

Recognizing the nature of rejection can help us approach it more constructively, seeing it not as a personal flaw but as a part of the human experience. This understanding helps us build resilience, enhances our self-worth, and constructs a healthier, more positive approach to setbacks and disappointments.

What are the 5 stages of rejection?

1. Denial

Initially, there might be an unwillingness to accept the rejection. This stage serves as a temporary defense mechanism, giving us time to adjust to the new reality.

2. Anger

Following denial, feelings of anger may surface. This anger can be directed at oneself, the person who caused the feeling of rejection, or the situation at large.

3. Bargaining

At this stage, we might attempt to negotiate a way out of our hurt. This could involve mentally revisiting the rejection and imagining what could have been done differently to avoid the outcome.

4. Depression

As the reality of the situation settles in, feelings of sadness or depression may arise. This is a reflection of the loss or disappointment experienced through rejection.

5. Acceptance

The final stage is acceptance, where there is an acknowledgment of the rejection and its effects. This stage is important for moving forward, as it involves coming to terms with the situation and finding ways to grow from the experience.

How to handle rejection more gracefully

In all contexts, building resilience and self-worth is key. Developing a growth mindset, embracing learning opportunities, and learning self-compassion and self-care practices are helpful strategies. Reframing negative thoughts and reaching out to friends or loved ones can also help support emotional stability and personal growth.

How to move on from rejection: 10 steps to help you move forward

If you keep moving forward after experiencing rejection then you can use the experience as a catalyst for personal growth and positive change. If you’re not sure where to start, these ten steps can help.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

It's important to give yourself permission to feel sad, disappointed, or frustrated without judgment.

2. Reflect on the experience

Ask yourself what you can learn from the rejection and how it can contribute to your personal development.

💙 Practicing Acceptance is the first step toward acknowledging rejection and turning it into a learning experience.

3. Practice self-compassion

Avoid self-criticism and instead, offer yourself the empathy and care you would extend to a good friend.

4. Engage in self-care

Prioritize activities that promote your wellbeing and relaxation. This might include exercise, hobbies, meditation, or spending time with loved ones.

5. Set realistic goals

Establish achievable objectives for yourself in areas unrelated to the rejection. This can help rebuild your confidence and provide a sense of accomplishment.

6. Focus on your strengths and accomplishments

Remind yourself of your positive qualities and past successes. This can help counterbalance any negative feelings associated with the rejection.

7. Maintain a positive outlook

Recognize that rejection is a temporary setback and not a permanent reflection of your abilities or worth.

8. Practice mindfulness

This can enhance your emotional equilibrium and resilience by keeping your focus on the present and reducing fixation about the past or anxiety about the future. 

9. Seek support

Reach out to friends, family, or professionals for support. Sharing your experiences and feelings can provide relief and valuable perspectives.

10. Embrace new opportunities

Rejection can sometimes redirect you toward different opportunities that align better with your values and goals. Stay open to life’s possibilities.

How to handle rejection FAQs

Why does it hurt so much to be rejected?

Rejection hurts because it may tap into our fundamental need for acceptance and belonging. When we are rejected, it can feel like a direct challenge to our self-worth and our place within a group or relationship. This pain is a natural emotional response, signaling the importance we place on our social connections and aspirations. Understanding that the pain is a common human experience can help in processing these feelingsand finding constructive ways to deal with them.

Should you be friends with someone who rejected you?

Deciding to remain friends with someone who rejected you depends on the nature of the rejection. If maintaining a friendship doesn't compromise your emotional wellbeing and you feel capable of genuinely supporting and valuing the relationship without resentment or unresolved feelings, then it can be an option. However, if staying friends hinders your ability to move on or causes ongoing discomfort, it may be better to focus on other relationships that support your happiness and self-esteem.

Should you talk to someone who rejected you?

Whether or not you should talk to someone who rejected you depends on your reasons for wanting the conversation and what you hope to achieve. If you're seeking closure or clarity and believe a conversation could be constructive and respectful, it might be worth considering. However, if reaching out is likely to reopen wounds or if the interaction could be detrimental to your emotional recovery, then prioritize your emotional health and wellbeing by focusing on healing and moving on independently.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• How does rejection make you feel?  

• Reflect on  how you saw rejection while growing up.

• Reflect on how you see or deal with rejection now.

• Do you feel that some rejection as an adult is connected to feeling hurt as a child ? 

• Write 5 things about why you love yourself.

• Write 5 things you wish you could tell your younger you about how much you love them.

• After reading the article what are some things you learnt and want to take with you when dealing with rejection? 

Prioritizing our energy

Prioritizing where to direct your energy

(Billi’s thoughts)

 Let’s face it, the world is pretty fucked right now. From war, to mother nature testing us all, and everything in between. If you allow yourself to dive deep it can get very emotionally overwhelming.

I was talking to a friend about this the other day. They listed off a bunch of things going on in their life and then added all the world’s issues on top of that. It was a lot for even the most supported, happiest, financially secure human to handle let alone someone who doesn’t have any of those things. 

It got me thinking. How do I handle not going down the rabbit hole? It feels like, “well we are all fucked aren’t we?” 

A term came  to mind, it’s informed naivety. It means, “I am well aware of everything happening on this earth, but I am also well aware that I don’t have the emotional space to put too much into hoping something will change where I have no control over changing it”.

This is the same reason I don’t do the news or politics. My heart lies in four different counties that I am very connected to. 

Deciding to share my love of their nature and people rather than their messed up issues, has become crucial for me. 

I also try my best not to allow myself to get too attached to anyone’s drama. 

I am building my boundaries around what I know I can deal with.  I am taking the time to really work out what is worth my time. 

Now don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I do have my heart tugged at and I follow something that makes me mad, or I put my love into helping a friend out.

But most of the time I am trying to stay in my own lane and give to those things that give back to me in the best ways.

That might seem selfish, and I do hugely admire those who are out there fighting for the cause. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. I’ve learnt this through trial and error around my boundaries. 

I think when it comes to dealing with where to put your energy, learning your boundaries is very important. 

“5 Top Tips to Build your Resilience”

-By Normal Murray

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

Mental strength means that you regulate your emotions, manage your thoughts, and behave in a positive manner, despite your circumstances. Developing mental strength is about finding the courage to live according to your values and being bold enough to create your own definition of success.

Mental strength involves more than just willpower; it requires hard work and commitment. It’s about establishing healthy habits and choosing to devote your time and energy to self-improvement of your Emotional Intelligence.

Although it’s easier to feel mentally strong when life seems simple -- often, true mental strength becomes most apparent in the midst of tragedy. Choosing to develop skills that increase your mental strength is the best way to prepare for life’s inevitable obstacles.

Many exercises exist that can help you develop mental strength. But here are five that can get you started:

1. Evaluate Your Core Beliefs

We’ve all developed core beliefs about ourselves, our lives and the world in general. Core beliefs develop over time and largely depend upon our past experiences. Whether you’re aware of your core beliefs or not, they influence your thoughts, your behavior and emotions.

Sometimes, core beliefs are inaccurate and unproductive. For example, if you believe that you’ll never succeed in life, you may be less apt to apply for new jobs -- and inadvertently, you may not present yourself well on job interviews. Therefore, your core beliefs may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

2. Expend Your Mental Energy Wisely

Wasting brain power ruminating about things you can’t control drains mental energy quickly. The more you think about negative problems that you can’t solve, the less energy you’ll have leftover for creative endeavors. For example, sitting and worrying about the weather forecast isn’t helpful. If a major storm is headed your way, worrying about it won’t prevent it. You can, however, choose to prepare for it. Focus on what is only within your control.

Save your mental energy for productive tasks, such as solving problems or setting goals.When your thoughts aren’t productive, make a conscious effort to shift your mental energy to more helpful topics.

3. Replace Negative Thoughts with Productive Thoughts

Although most of us don’t spend time thinking about our thoughts, increasing your awareness of your thinking habits proves useful in building resilience. Exaggerated, negative thoughts, such as, “I can’t ever do anything right,” hold you back from reaching your full potential. Catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of control and influence your behavior.

Identify and replace overly negative thoughts with thoughts that are more productive. Productive thoughts don’t need to be extremely positive, but should be realistic. A more balanced thought may be, “I have some weaknesses, but I also have plenty of strengths.”

4. Practice Tolerating Discomfort

Mental strength is about accepting your feelings without being controlled by them.

Mental strength also involves an understanding of when it makes sense to behave contrary to your emotions. For example, if you experience anxiety that prevents you from trying new things or accepting new opportunities, try stepping out of your comfort zone if you want to continue to challenge yourself. Tolerating uncomfortable emotions takes practice, but it becomes easier as your confidence grows.

Practice behaving like the person you’d like to become. Instead of saying, “I wish I could be more outgoing,” choose to behave in a more outgoing manner, whether you feel like it or not. Some discomfort is often necessary for greater gain, and tolerating that discomfort will help make your vision a reality, one small step at a time.

5. Reflect on Your Progress Daily

Today’s busy world doesn’t lend itself to making much time available for quiet reflection. Create time to reflect upon your progress toward developing mental strength. At the end of each day, ask yourself what you’ve learned about your thoughts, emotions and behavior. Consider what you hope to improve upon or accomplish tomorrow.

Developing mental strength is a work in progress. There is always room for improvement, and at times this will seem more difficult than at other times. Reflecting upon your progress can reinforce your ability to reach your definition of success while living according to your values.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• Where are you putting most of your energy ?

• What things feel like they are sucking your energy rather than building it up?

• What are some worldly issues that you really resonate with and why?

• What are your top 5 priorities you feel you should be putting your energy into?

• What is overwhelming you lately ?

• How could you better plan your time so you can work on the things that are in your control ?

Documenting Emotions

(Billi’s thoughts)

 One of the best habits I ever took up was documenting my emotions. In order to get a better understanding of the auto-immune disease I battled, I was asked to document my everyday. This meant writing about what I ate, how I felt mentally, any changes or pains I felt physically, even my bowel movements. It was a lot at first, super overwhelming and exhausting. However as time went on, it became a good addition that taught me so much about myself.

Fast forward to present time, I no longer document such an extensive list of things, but I do have a better understanding of myself - the cycle my moods go in, and why I might be feeling a certain way in a specific timeframe. Having this understanding and ability to relate with myself has really helped build more compassion towards being myself. I selected this article as it really goes in depth about the different layers documenting your emotion has - the struggles it can create, along with all the huge reward it has to offer.

“Emotional Journaling: How to Use Journaling to Process Emotions”

-By By Kristen Webb Wright

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

The Challenge of Understanding Emotions

Emotions form the core of our being and greatly shape our interactions with the world. Emotions themselves do not fall into the categories of “good” or “bad,” as each emotion holds a significant place within the human experience. However, the way we process our emotions can either transform them into negative or positive encounters.

The complexity of emotions often makes it challenging to pinpoint and identify the precise feelings you are undergoing. It is not uncommon to experience a multitude of emotions concurrently, even when they seem to contradict each other regarding a particular issue. If you struggle to differentiate between anger and sadness, it becomes difficult to effectively navigate and resolve these emotions.

Societal and cultural influences can also shape our understanding and expression of emotions. Society often attaches certain expectations or norms to specific emotions, which can lead to suppression, denial, or misinterpretation of our true emotional experiences.

The Benefits of Journaling to Process Emotions

Journaling to process emotions can help you make sense of your feelings, identify them, understand where they originate, and learn how to best respond to them. 

For example, if you feel nervous about talking to your employer about a raise in pay, journaling about it may help you recognize where that nervousness comes from. Once you’ve identified the source of your anxiety, you can decide ahead of time how to deal with it and the best approach to the positive outcome you want. 

When you spend time journaling to release emotions, you also have an opportunity to see a situation more clearly. Once you pour the rush of feelings into a journal, you can look back at your words to learn more about your actions and reactions. All of this can also help boost your emotional resilience.

In addition to emotional processing, journaling benefits include:

• Reduced stress and anxiety

• Increased self-awareness

• Less rumination (overthinking)

• Lower blood pressure

• Improved emotional regulation

• Fewer negative thoughts

• Deepened self-discovery

5 Tips for Effective Emotional Journaling

1. Find a private place.

2. Write for 15-20 minutes.

Writing for 15 to 20 minutes per session is ideal, but if you find this difficult, start with a goal of five minutes and work up to a time limit that feels complete for you. If you find the task of hand-writing difficult or cumbersome, consider a digital journalingmethod.

3. Write without censoring.

4. Use prompts to explore and process emotions.

5. Make journaling a habit.

Whether it’s twice a week or twice a day, it is important to develop a journaling habit. In a sense, journaling is a commitment you make to yourself and your emotional health.

Try experimenting with different times of the day. You may want to write in a traditional paper journal on some days and use a digital tool on others. Especially when you’re first starting out, it’s important to give yourself permission to figure out a routine and approach that keeps you enthusiastic about journaling and works well for you. 

10 Emotional Journaling Techniques

There are different types of emotional journaling techniques that can help you get in touch with your emotional self. Each approach has unique benefits. You may want to try different types of expressive writing to keep your journaling process fresh and productive.

1. Stream of Consciousness Writing

This journaling technique encourages spontaneity and can uncover hidden emotions and insights.

If you run out of things to write about, write nonsense words, song lyrics, or anything else that comes to mind.

2. Reflective Journaling

Take a few moments to reflect on your day or a specific event, and write about your thoughts, feelings, and observations.

3. Prompt-Based Journaling

4. Dialogue Journaling

Engage in a written dialogue with your emotions, thoughts, or a specific person or character. Write down their responses as if you were having a conversation.

5. Visual Journaling

Visual journaling means including drawings, paintings, images cut from magazines, or any other visual elements you choose. This approach is also sometimes called art journaling.

6. Creative Writing

Adding creative writing techniques to your practice can be fun and beneficial. Fictionalizing a painful story from your past may make it easier to write about.

7. Letter Writing

Address a letter to yourself, a specific person, or even an abstract concept, expressing your emotions, desires, or grievances. This technique provides a cathartic release and can help you gain clarity and closure.

8. Mindfulness Journaling

Before writing, take a few moments to ground yourself in the present moment, observe your emotions without judgment, and then proceed to write about them.

9. Future Journaling

Imagine your ideal future or a specific goal you want to achieve. Write about it in detail, including the emotions and experiences associated with that future vision.

10. Gratitude Journaling

There are various ways to approach this method: you might choose to make a list of at least three things you were grateful for at the end of each day. Writing at length about one gratitude topic is another approach.

Using Journaling to Track Emotional Patterns and Triggers

Reflecting on your journal writings is what helps you learn about yourself. Keeping a mood journal, specifically, can help you better recognize emotional patterns.

To use journaling as a way to identify and track your emotional reactions, include as much information as possible when writing about a highly charged emotional event.

Track small details like the following and look for trends:

• The weather that day

• What you ate

• What was on your mind before your journaling session

• How you felt when you woke up that morning

• Whether you were experiencing distress or conflict 

• Whether you had a restful sleep the night before

Try to recall your emotional reactions as factually as you can. Don’t judge or criticize. Report your feelings as if you are writing about someone else — like you’re an outside observer. As you reflect on your journal entries, you may begin to see patterns emerge. For example, you may learn that you feel upset every time you leave a certain location or that you are quick to anger when it rains. 

These small details may seem insignificant at first, but you can use the information to make positive changes in your life.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• What has been preventing you from documenting your emotions? 

• Do you already know of any patterns that occur with your emotions through-out the months or year?

• For 2 -4 week write down how you are feeling each day;   e.g- happy, sad, tired, excited

• Did you notice any reason as to why you felt this way or notice any patterns.

• What outside factors could be contributing to these patterns e.g- what you eat, your sleep, your surroundings, the chemical you use daily.

Alone vs. Lonely

Being Content Alone

(Billi’s thoughts)

As someone who has spent most of my life solo, lately being alone seems foreign.

It’s not that I don’t like to be alone. I guess being alone became a weird feeling when I got into a relationship and now that I am back on the solo train, it can seem a little odd to not have someone by my side 24/7. Someone to word vomit to, share all the fun stuff, get validation and find support from. 

I say odd but it’s also starting to to feel like a rewarding journey.

Below is a quote I read the other day and that was spot on for what I needed to hear.

“each moment you spend tending to your old wounds makes space for new peace”. 

This resonated with me because quite frankly it has been very painful to be in my own head. 

Despite how heavy it may get, I know I need to spend time in my head so I become better at understanding my emotional triggers and holding myself accountable to my own truths. 

All these practices have positive outcomes, but the action of taking the dark scary tunnel to get to the light is very daunting and eerily lonely. 

It’s funny how different my solo lifestyle has been. 

Previously I was traveling the world alone yet I always felt welcomed and connected. Now staying in one spot solo leaves me feeling so very disconnected from my surroundings. 

I know things will get easier. I won’t always feel like I have lost a part of me. The emptiness will be filled with all the things I am truly passionate about.

The challenge of sitting in this developmental stage is one I’ll always hate and love at the same time. I guess It’s all part of learning to be content with being alone. 

“How to Be Happy Alone: 15 Tips From a Therapist”

-By Andrea Brognano, LMHC, LPC, NCC - Medically Reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

To experience true happiness in life, it is important to take the time to better understand yourself and what brings you joy. Being alone lets you find out more about and develop a relationship with yourself.

Is It Okay to Be Alone?

Unfortunately, choosing to be alone often comes with negative stigma or judgment from society, family members, or friends.

However, being alone can expand a person’s differentiation of self and their self-awareness. They can develop a true understanding of themselves and pursue what gives them purpose. Not only does this benefit the individual themselves, but it can also help them be better partners in the future if they decide to be in a relationship.

Being Alone Vs. Feeling Lonely

Even people who are in relationships can feel lonely! Being happy alone comes from finding contentment and fulfillment in oneself. Loneliness often occurs when someone lacks this satisfaction, perhaps due to feelings of abandonment, the desire for validation, or the need for emotional and relational support.

15 Tips on How to Be Happy Alone

1. Take a Social Media Break

To feel happy alone, it’s important to stop comparing your life to others. You may be tempted to do so when scrolling through social media. One way to combat this self-criticism is by taking a social media break. It’s a well known fact that social media impacts a person’s self-esteem, so consider taking a hiatus for a few days.

2. Try a New Hobby

Being alone provides you the time to start exploring your interests. Testing out new hobbies can help spark joy and creativity in your life. Consider finding an activity that you have not tried before.

 3. Prioritize Self-Care

The most important aspect of self-care is focusing on doing things that YOU enjoy. There are several benefits of self-care and ways to practice this. This may include attending a concert or even nearby, participating in your hobby, or having a spa day. Do whatever truly allows you to engage in self-love.

4. Have a Date-Night With Yourself

Date nights are fun with a partner, but who says you can’t have one on your own? Think about any activities you have wanted to do with someone else and do them by yourself. Take an opportunity to have a special night alone–whether it be dinner, dancing, movies, or even an arcade. Making time to ‘date’ yourself helps you understand what you do and don’t like–and you don’t need to consider anyone else’s opinion about what to do and where to go.

5. Stay Physically Active

There are many mental health benefits of exercise and staying active is especially helpful when living alone. Physical movement releases endorphins which boost mood and decrease stress.

6. Get Outdoors

The benefits of nature on mental health are numerous–getting outside and soaking in the sun is a great way to improve your well-being. You could start with a walk in your neighborhood or simply sit out on your porch.

7. Try Volunteering

Learning how to practice gratitudeencourages you to find joy in what you have and share this happiness with others. Consider volunteering within your local community or for a cause that you feel passionate about. Giving back is a great way to practice thankfulness and can also offer an outlet to learn even more about yourself.

8. Nurture Your Relationships

Whether you’ve chosen to be alone on your own or not, it is important that you still have connection with others. This means taking time to nurture the relationships you currently have in your life. Reach out to family, friends, or even coworkers.

9. Make a Plan

If there’s something you’d like to accomplish, make a plan and stick to it. Being alone actually comes with the added benefit of limited distractions or interruptions. This means you can focus on achieving your dream at your own pace. There are many ways to set and achieve healthy goals, but only you can follow through with these. One way to practice this is to sit down and write out what you want to see in the coming weeks, months, and years.

10. Focus on Self-Love

Learning how to love yourself is essential, but certainly isn’t easy. Self-love comes from accepting yourself for who you are–including all of your faults. One way to practice this is to look at yourself from an objective viewpoint and offer yourself praise or compliments. Focus on saying kind things to yourself throughout the day!

11. Give Thanks

Sometimes it helps to simply take a step back to look at what you’re thankful for. This could include loved ones in your life, physical possessions, or even parts of yourself!

12. Cook a Good Meal

Make an effort to ‘wine and dine’ yourself. Nourishing your soul doesn’t always need to come from trying new things or hobbies. Eating a good meal can also bring you a sense of joy and happiness.

13. Write It Down

When negative thoughts are clouding your mind, you may start to feel bad about yourself or your life. Taking the time to brain dump and journal every day offers you the chance to rid yourself of these feelings in a healthy way. Write down everything you’re experiencing (both the positive and negative) and reflect on your emotions. This self-reflection can help you identify what may be causing you stress or unhappiness in your life.

14. Get Lost in a Book

Adventure awaits in literature, no matter the genre or length of a book. Reading offers you the opportunity to escape to another world, learn new things, and expand your interests.

15. Dance It Out

As the saying goes, “dance like nobody’s watching!” Take a break to dance freely and without judgment. Allow yourself the chance to destress and move your body in ways that you enjoy.

When Therapy Can Help

If you are struggling with loneliness, therapy can help. It can be tough to determine if you need therapy, but seeking support can provide you with much needed guidance.

Final Thoughts

Experiencing true happiness while being alone often comes down to learning more about yourself. There are many ways to do this and cultivate a life in which you feel fulfilled. If you face challenges along the way, a therapist can help you stay focused on identifying your goals and intentions.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• do you like being alone ? 

• Why or why not ? 

• What emotions come up when you spend time alone? 

• Describe your ideal day if you could do anything you wanted while alone.

• What does self care look like for you? 

• For 5 mins write about what it feels like for you to be alone. 

• Take 5 mins to write about the things you love about yourself the most. 

Starting New Habits

(Billi’s thoughts)

I struggle to put words into place when it comes to this topic. It seems like as soon as I need to do things that will benefit me hugely, my mind goes something like this; 

“no…no,no,no,no we have been this way for a while now. It seems to be working.  We wake up, get through the day, eat and then sleep.  We Satisfy all basic needs to live. Why would we want to change things? That would mean hard work and dedication and well, who’s got time for that?” 

My brain forgets that there is so much more to regulate nowadays besides sleep, eat, poop, spend time around technology, repeat. 

However I am starting to feels like if I don’t put hard effort into utilizing my time for exercise, being in nature, eating better, stretching, listening to music, being around my community and gaining knowledge of taking better care of my mental health, then I’ll probably end up like the humans in Wall-E.

A spud in a moving chair that takes me from one corner of my room to another. Day done. 

Naturally, humans are creatures of habit. This thought can be applied and proven on so many different levels. This human characteristic can be used for good in so many ways, but it also works for the bad habits we pick up. 

Changing a part of your life isn't an overnight thing. Your whole body and brain biology need to change also, making picking up new habits almost a war in the mind. 

This past year I have been slowly letting myself go with the flow. I let go of all the habits I had, and just tried to enjoy each day for what it was. Now as I am feeling more aligned with myself. I am wanting to reintroduce the good habits that once brightened my day.  To my annoyance but not surprise, bringing back old good habits has been the biggest task to accomplish. Having to continually remind myself that with time these good habits will eventually become natural and something I can't live without. 

This article talks about the difference between routines and habits and I feel this is a great topic to trail on after last week’s topic of “ all or nothing thinking.”  One of the ways to work with  “all or nothing thinking” is to identify the issues and create a new positive routine that will then  change your habits of thinking.

“What Does It Really Take to Build a New Habit?”

-By Kristi DePaul for Harvard Bussiness Review.

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

Our habits govern our lives, literally. Research shows that around half of our daily actions are driven by repetition. This is probably why behavioral scientists and psychologists have spent so much time writing about how to establish and keep positive habits. Regular sleep and exercise, a healthy diet, an organized schedule, and mindfulness are just a few examples of practices that — if done regularly — can improve our work, relationships, and mental health.

But what if those things don’t come naturally to you? What does it take to build a new habit?

While there are plenty of hacks on the internet competing to answer these questions, the neuroscience behind habit formation doesn’t offer shortcuts. Experts advocate for the old-fashioned approach: incremental progress. Dedicated commitment is what, time and again, has proven to lead to change.

Surprisingly, the first step towards creating long-term change involves building routines — not habits themselves.

Routines vs. Habits

Most of us assume the two are interchangeable. But Nir Eyal, author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life, told me that this is a common fallacy — one that tends to end in disappointment.

Eyal explained that a habit is a behavior done with little or no thought, while a routine involves a series of behaviors frequently, and intentionally, repeated. A behavior has to be a regularly performed routine before it can become a habit at all.

The problem is that many of us try to skip the “routine” phase. According to Eyal, this is because we think that habits will allow us to put tedious or unenjoyable tasks on autopilot.

It makes sense.

Unlike habits, routines are uncomfortable and require a concerted effort. Waking up early to run every morning or meditating for 10 minutes every night, for instance, are rituals that — initially — are hard to keep up. Habits, on the other hand, are so ingrained in our daily lives that it feels strange not to do them. Imagine not brushing your teeth before bed or not drinking a cup of coffee with breakfast. If these are habits you have already formed, avoiding them might even feel bad.

To attempt to turn a routine into a habit, take the following steps.

Set your intentions

Keep in mind that some routines may blossom into habits, but not all of them can or will. Some things, while quantifiable, require too much concentration, deliberation, and effort to make the transition. For that reason, playing an instrument, cleaning your apartment, or journaling don’t fall into the habit category; they’re not effortless behaviors that can be done without conscious thought.

The point is: Pick the behavior you want to turn into a habit wisely. Maybe you want to drink more water throughout the day or skip checking your email first thing in the morning. Whatever you choose, be realistic about the process. It will take patience, self-discipline, and commitment.

“There’s no such thing as 21 days to start a new habit,” Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit, told me. “The amount of time it takes will vary from person to person.” Developing a pleasurable habit, like eating chocolate for breakfast, for instance, may take a day, while trying to exercise at 5 pm each evening may take much longer.

Ximena Vengoechea, a UX researcher and author of the forthcoming book Listen Like You Mean It, added, “Reflect on what you’re trying to achieve and why. Say your goal is to be a writer. Are you interested in writing a novel for fame, prestige, or for money? Is it to gain the acceptance or love of someone you care about? Or is it simply because you love the craft?”

Understanding “the why” will help you stay motivated when inevitable roadblocks to building new routines surface.

Prepare for roadblocks

Reflect on why, to date, you haven’t regularly practiced this behavior. What has stopped you in the past? Is fear or shame getting in the way? Or a lack of time?

“Familiarize yourself with your own blockers now so that you can quickly identify and manage them when they arise later on, because they will,” Vengoechea said.

“Make sure you share your ambitions, intentions, plans (and maybe even fears!) with someone who can support you and remind you of why you’re taking this on in the first place when the going gets tough,” Vengoechea said. Research shows that your odds of success increase dramatically when make your intentions known to someone perceived to have a higher status than yourself or someone who’s opinion you value.

Start with nudges

You can put in place practical steps or nudges to help you kick off your new routine. Use one or all of the suggestions below to get organized and begin.

Make a schedule.

Block regular times on your calendar (every day or every other day) to practice the behavior you want to build into a habit. Be sure not to overdo it initially. “If you dive in too fast and expect results right away,” Vengoechea said, “odds are, you will fail and become discouraged before you even begin.”

Set microhabits.

In the spirit of keeping things simple, another option is to try out microhabits: incremental adjustments that (over time) move you closer to achieving your goals. Think of them like stepping-stones that lead to your final destination. Here are a few examples to give you the idea:

The goal: Get better quality sleep.

What you can do: Blue light from our screens hampers a good night’s sleep. Keep your favorite books beside your bed and leave your phone to charge in another room.

The goal: Strengthen your network.

What you can do:  Encourage yourself to reach out to others with visual cues. Tape post-it notes with messages like “Did you show gratitude to a colleague today?” or “Reach out to someone new” to your screen as a way to remind yourself of your goal.

Try temptation bundling.

This last type of nudge aims to make obligatory tasks more enjoyable. The concept itself was coined by researcher Katie Milkman and her colleagues, and it’s fairly straightforward: Take an activity you don’t like to do and something you do enjoy — now, bundle them together.

In practice, here’s what temptation bundling can look like: Package a behavior that gives you instant gratification (checking Instagram, listening to music, or bingeing your favorite podcast series) with a beneficial, but less fun, activity (running on the treadmill, filling out a spreadsheet, or doing chores around the house). Only allow yourself to do the “fun” thing in tandem with the “not-so-fun” thing.

In Milkman’s study, for example, the researchers gave participants iPods with four audio novels they wanted to listen to but could only access while working out. By and large, participants’ gym attendance increased because it was tied to an indulgence.

Show yourself compassion

Lastly, don’t forget to be compassionate with yourself as you embark on this journey toward more thoughtful routines, and hopefully, better habits. Any long-term change is going to take time. That’s just the reality. There will be ups and downs. But you are capable, and if you’ve made it this far, you are also prepared.

Let the tools you’ve learned today be your compass. Let them guide you when you feel off-track (which, by the way is a totally normal feeling when you’re trying something new).

Now, go get started.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• What are some habits you would like to introduce into your daily life? 

• What are some that you would like to take out of your daily life? 

• How can you make these habits small enough, so they can seem achievable? 

  —- If you have a hard time journaling try taking voice memos. :)

• What routines are being put in place to create some of these habits ? 

• What is stoping you from starting now ? 

• How can you be nicer to yourself when you have a slip up? 

Mens Mental Health

(Billi’s thoughts)

Recently I’ve been watching as a few male mates struggling with how to express themselves when it comes to their mental health. 

This isn’t the first time I have seen this and it definitely won’t be the last. Men’s mental health not been talked about enough. 

There is a stigma that if they do they are not “being a manly.” Or maybe that’s just my own interpretation of it. 

I can never fully understand how they feel, what they are thinking, what they are struggling with and how hard it can be for them to open up. 

I can only speak from watching my dad suffer from depression and social anxiety. My dad is my hero and my best friend, we talk everyday. However it wasn’t always like that. Until 2013, he was physically but not emotionally present. I got a phone call from him telling me he really wasn’t okay. This phone call was hard to stomach, as it was coming from someone who was always seen as a tough guy. He ended up quiting his job, drinking less and seeking some help. That was the first step. Due to some life changes in 2019, my dad found himself at a low point again. Thankfully I was living at home at this time, and even if it was terribly hard to watch him go through it, we had some really important conversations about how the only way he could move forward was to look deep down inside himself and work on things that he wasn’t happy with about himself. 

He got facebook, wrote a post about how he was feeling and found that his world that he felt so distant from, had no idea what he was going through. His community was there for him in minutes. Since then there has obviously been ups and downs but I am so proud of how far he has come. Sometimes I see so much of myself in my dad that I feel his pain deeply. This also means I feel his triumphs just as much. 

I share this story because men’s mental health is a topic that is very complex. Again I am only speaking from a place of watching and with the little knowledge I have from childhood development. 

Watching children develop, little girls seem to be so independent (most of the time), and the little boys were the ones that needed more emotional support. Then as they get older they are told to ‘man up’, be tough, and keep quiet about anything that might show weakness.

Sadly, this makes so much sense to me when it comes to men’s suicide being higher than woman’s, and why men may act out as they do when mad, sad or confused. 

Again I am just speaking from the sidelines and would personally like to learn more about how it is to be a male in this world, so then I can help where needed. 

“The Complete Guide to Mental Health Care for Men”

-By Adam England for Health Line

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

Mental health conditions don’t discriminate. People of all genders can experience depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. But they may look different in men.

Gender stereotypes and stigma can also make it harder for both men and their healthcare professionals to recognize when they might need mental health support.

Are men less likely to experience mental health conditions?

There’s a common assumption that women are more likely to have mental health conditions than men, especially when it comes to depression. But that doesn’t mean men aren’t affected.

In fact, in 2019, men in the United States died by suicide at a rate 3.7 timesTrusted Source greater than that of women.

Experts are increasingly acknowledging the complex factors at play when it comes to differences in how men and women experience mental health issues.

While biological factors, like hormone differences, can certainly play a role, they don’t tell the whole story. Internalized gender stereotypes, coping strategies, and clinical bias, among other things, may also impactTrusted Source assumptions about who experiences mental health conditions — not to mention *how* they experience them, which we’ll get into in a moment.

Why men are hesitant to reach out

According to the National Institute of Mental HealthTrusted Source, men are less likely to have received mental health treatment than women in the past year.

This doesn’t mean men don’t need or benefit from treatment.

Rather, “men can find it more difficult being open about their mental health and seeking support because it’s likely to go against the kinds of messages they received growing up,” explains Dr. Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.

She goes on to note that many cultures have strong cultural stereotypes around how men should behave, especially around managing their emotions and appearing “strong.”

Plus, men who don’t (or feel that they can’t) speak openly about their feelings might have a harder time recognizing the symptoms of mental health conditions in themselves.

Getting help with your mental health

If you’re thinking about reaching out for help but aren’t sure where to start, you have a few options.

Talk with your doctor

If you already regularly see a healthcare professional, they can be a good starting point. Depending on their background, they’ll likely refer you to someone who specializes in mental health, like a psychiatrist or psychologist.

Search online

You can also search through directories online.

For example, the American Psychological Association offers a psychologist locator tool that allows you to search for therapists in your area. Directories are especially helpful if you’re looking for a particular type of therapy or prefer a male therapist, because the tools allow you to filter your search.

HeadsUpGuys also offers a therapist finderthat includes professionals who specialize in working with men.

A few other databases to consider:

• American Psychiatric Association

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

• Medicare.gov’s healthcare provider tool (to find local professionals who accept Medicare)

• Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Make some calls (or send some emails)

Before scheduling an appointment, reach out to therapists you’re interested in seeing.

Give them some basic background on what you’d like to address, as well as anything you’re looking for in a therapist. Do you want someone who’s available for night or weekend appointments? What about text support in between sessions? Are you interested in trying teletherapy, or would you prefer in-person sessions?

If you have health insurance, this is a good time to ask about that, too. Therapy isn’t always covered, but some therapists will provide documentation you can submit to your insurance provider for reimbursement.

During the appointment

Your therapist will likely spend the first session or two getting to know you. This is also an opportunity for you to get to know their approach, so don’t hesitate to ask any questions around what you can expect from future sessions.

It’s important you feel comfortable talking with the expert you choose. If you feel like you aren’t “clicking” with your therapist after a few sessions, you can always explore other options. Plenty of people have to see a few therapists before they find someone who’s a good fit.

Depending on your symptoms, your therapist might refer you to a psychiatrist to explore medication, including antidepressants.

Keep in mind that medication isn’t necessarily something you’ll need to take for the rest of your life. Sometimes, it just provides a temporary lift to help you start working through the underlying causes of your symptoms. A psychiatrist can also help you navigate any side effects you might experience.

Coping with mental health symptoms

Everyone can benefit from self-care, including men. While working with a mental health professional can be a big help, there are plenty of things you can do to support yourself between sessions.

Touroni highlights diet, sleep, and exercise as factors, but explains that “we also need to make sure we’re looking after our emotional well-being.”

And sometimes, that means being “able to acknowledge and stay with feelings — especially the uncomfortable ones — instead of pushing them away or denying them.”

Sitting with uncomfortable feelings is easier said than done, and that can make it easy to fall into unhelpful coping mechanisms, like substance use or ignoring emotions.

While both of these might offer some short-term benefits, they won’t offer long-lasting relief. In some cases, they might even create long-term issues.

The next time you find yourself experiencing an uncomfortable feeling or emotion, try:

• doing a quick body scan meditation

• writing out what you’re feeling

• practicing some simple breathing techniques

As you navigate different ways of managing your emotions, be gentle with yourself. If you don’t reach for the “perfect” coping mechanisms on a bad day, for example, don’t beat yourself up. There will always be another opportunity to practice new strategies.

Learn how to make your own self-care checklist that meets your needs.

Opening up to friends

Talking about what you’re going through with a friend can also be a big help, but that may be difficult if your friends are also men who might have a hard time opening up. But starting that conversation might end up being beneficial for both of you.

Mark Meier, the executive director of the Face It Foundation, says it’s important for men to “learn to understand the nuances of emotion” and recognize that negative emotions are “normal and recurring emotions throughout life.”

You can try starting the conversation with something like, “I’ve been going through a lot. Do you have time to catch up later this week?”

If you feel up for it, you can also make yourself available to a friend in need with a simple, “I noticed you’ve seemed kind of down lately. Just want you to know I’m always available to talk if you need it.”

The bottom line

Mental health can be hard to think about. And identifying that you’re finding it difficult or that you might need help isn’t always easy — particularly for men.

However, it’s best to speak out. Whether you open up to a friend or family member or consult your doctor, there’s help out there, and ways to help manage your mental health yourself, too.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

1. What parts of this article do you relate to? 

2. What things can you do regularly to check in with your male friends? 

3. What do you feel your role is as a man or how do you see a males role in Society?

4. How do you want to be described by other men?

5. Which men in your life do you respect and why?

Coming back from Injuries

Physical injuries can hurt us emotionally too.

(Billi’s thoughts)

It’s no joke that getting injured sucks. 

Well it more than sucks, it can be life changing. 

Especially when they happen while doing the one of the things you love most in life. Whether that’s snowboarding, skateboarding, running, rock climbing or any other outdoor activity.

For me it feels like a real punch in the face. Not only are we in pain, we can’t access the thing that regulates your mental health normally. 

It definitely is part of the risk when it comes to being addicted to adrenaline sports. It comes with the love and experience but it doesn’t mean it gets any easier when everything you know gets ripped right out from under you. 

That’s where I have struggled the most with injuries. It’s not the hurt itself - that can be worked through with the right care. 

It’s missing out on being on the snow feeling the wind on my face and getting my mediative flow state going. It’s not being able to wake up with the sunrise, rake in my hand ready to build. It’s the days at home healing while the community at the skate park are in a vibe or it’s not being able to have that  mental refreshment of taking a few laps in the pool or lake. 

Following that, healing is relearning how to use a body part that used to be engaged without thinking. The dedication it takes to rebuild yourself, eat healthy and think positive all while being displaced from the life you’re used to. 

The struggle is real and raw. So many hours of what ifs, what next , the fear of doing it again and deep contemplation around “is it worth it.” 

Heck yeah it is, but it’s also a lonely time to go through. Mentally, spiritually and physically challenging.

All to come back stronger and more focused on enjoying the moments that was taken away from you for a while. 

Life is so full of the unexpected, doesn’t mean you ever get used to it.

“7 Tips For Recovering Mentally After A Sports Injury”

-By Dan Pillow, PHD for Henry Ford Health.com

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

Everyone loves a good comeback story — especially in the world of sports. Take, for example, Tiger Woods and his problematic back or Tom Brady and his recovery from a torn ACL and MCL to win multiple super bowls. Tales like theirs are celebrated season after season as models of determination and mental/physical resilience.

But for every moment of glory that fans see, there are countless hours of hard physical and mental work that take place behind the scenes. That can be easy to forget for amateur athletes or student athletes who are facing their own struggles after getting sidelined with an injury.

“It’s not uncommon for injuries to fuel feelings of isolation, frustration, anxiety and even depression,” says Dan Pillow, Ph.D., a clinical/sport psychologist with Henry Ford Health. “Missing out on competition can affect your emotional well-being, social well-being, and your self-concept or identity.”

So when you’re out of commission and battling doubts, fears or issues of self-confidence, what can you do to ensure you return at full strength? Dr. Pillow outlines a few strategies below:

Psychological Skills To Combat Sports Injuries

1. Set clear and realistic goals. Athletes are often natural goal setters. They’re used to tracking data and monitoring progress to achieve results. When hampered with an injury, though, you may need to rein in your tendency to push yourself. To keep progress achievable, set SMART goals – an acronym for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. For example:

• Specific: Run a 5K at the same pace I did pre-injury

• Measurable: I will track my running pace using my favorite running app each time I walk/run

• Attainable: I know I ran a 5K before, and my injury will heal and allow me to do it again

• Relevant: I enjoy running and want to continue running for my health

• Time-bound: I will let myself heal for the time my doctor recommended and will increase my mile pace week by week in time for the race I signed up for next month.

2. Visualize a healthy you. Don’t underestimate the power of visualization. Studies have shown that when we visualize an action and actually perform that action, we stimulate the same regions in our brains. If you’re recovering from a broken ankle, visualize yourself sprinting across the field in full stride with two healthy, fully-functioning feet beneath you. Want to make every single one of your three pointers once you’re playing again? Picture each one of them sinking through the net.

3. Be optimistic. When we face big life challenges, our minds can get clouded with negative thoughts. Keep a mantra written somewhere like on your mirror or in your wallet. Read it or repeat it to yourself when doubts creep in. Positive affirmations can be effective too. (Think: Muhammad Ali’s refrain “I am the greatest.”)

4. Focus on the present. Whenever we’re injured or ill, we want to be better now. Athletes, in particular, often want to get back to playing as soon as possible. Truth is, injuries require time and patience to heal, and by focusing on the here and now – instead of the future – you’re actually doing yourself a service. No matter how you heal, it won’t happen tomorrow or the day after. It will happen in the moment, one moment at a time.

5. Honor your feelings. If your sport is a big part of your life (either as a hobby or a career) it’s natural to feel disappointed by your inability to participate. You may be missing teammates, friends or the feelings of accomplishment that scoring a goal or winning a game can bring. If you lose an activity, view it for what it is – a loss. As such, you may experience the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Recognizing these feelings is the first step to managing them, owning them and moving through them.

6. Accept help and support. No world class athlete gets to the elite level of their game without help – especially after an injury. And no matter how much you’ve trained or dieted on your own, having a guide, coach or therapist can be a helpful motivator.

7. Take control. One of the most frustrating aspects of an injury is that it can make you feel powerless. And while you may not be able to heal a broken bone or torn ligament yourself, you can make conscious choices to rest when appropriate and push yourself when it feels right. By owning your situation, you ensure that your injury doesn’t have power over you.

Almost every athlete will sustain some type of injury at some point in their career. Having a plan in place to deal with setbacks – physical, mental, financial, etc. – can make the recovery process less daunting. That said, it’s not possible to anticipate the obstacles we face or how we’ll respond to them. But whether you’re on the field or on the couch, you can always do your best.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

It can be hard to relive an injury but sometimes we need to do so, so we can let go! 

Describe what how the injury happened. What were your initial thoughts and reactions? How did it impact your life or change future plans?

• How has this changed your day-to-day life? How has it changed your mindset?

• How can you show up every day for yourself, even when you don’t feel your personal best?

• What are some of the current obstacles you are facing?

• How can you show up every day for yourself, even when you don’t feel your personal best?

• What are your short-term and long-term goals for healing and rehabilitation?

The ripple effect

The ripple effect

(Laura’s thoughts)

I recently got an email about planning the 4th year of “Take The Rake.” Four years ago Marsha Hovey had an idea that she turned into a reality. She wanted to showcase what female builders are capable of, creating visibility and awareness that inspires others to do more. Take The Rake was never intended to be a quick fix or solution to a bigger problem. Instead, it was conceived as a spark. A tiny fire that if tended could ignite others in our industry to create meaningful and lasting change, encouraging more females to join the operations side of the snowboard world.

As I’ve gotten to know Marsha over the last 4 years I’ve learned that Take The Rake is not an outlier in her life, it one event of many. Marsha consistently throws pebbles, or boulders, into ponds creating ripples that have reached across the globe. Thank’s to tireless advocacy and fundraising the tiny town that Marsha calls home is now pouring a new concrete park.

It’s impossible to know how many kids will benefit from the work Marsha’s down. Young females coming up seeing strong women working in parks. Kids in Osceola having a skatepark to call home.

I’d be willing to bet that Marsha feels burnt out sometimes. That no matter how much she has accomplished it doesn’t feel like enough. It’s hard to see the ripples as they drift further away.

I have been awe struck by how many people know about Take The Rake. Since the first year there have been countless spin offs. Four years ago working on the Snowboy tour there were only a female or two on each park crew. By the third year the female presence was noticeably bigger.

Something that might seem small or like its not a big deal to us could have the power to shift someone else’s life. A smile, nod, and taps at the skatepark, instead of a scowl, can determine whether someones stays around and gets their clip or calls it and heads out.

 Take The Rake Recap 

“How others influence your happiness”

-By Shilagh Mirgain, PhD. for UWhealth.org

(Edited / shortened for our reading)

 Link To Article 

Is your happiness dependent on your neighbor’s? To some degree, yes.

“Happiness isn’t just a personal experience, it is actually affected by the individuals around you,” said UW Health psychologist Shilagh Mirgain, PhD.

Mirgain uses the description of a ripple effect. Like when a pebble is dropped into the water causing ripples, our words, actions and feelings affect those around us, who in turn affect individuals who come into contact with them, and so on.

“How an individual feels can ripple through his or her social groups and actually influence how the group feels in general,” she said. “In some ways, our emotional states are like a virus — we can spread the positive and negative experience to those around us, even with strangers.”

She points to research done over a period of time that found the happiness of an individual extends up to three degrees of separation (that is, our level of happiness impacts the happiness levels of the friends of our friends’ friends.) Similarly if you have a friend, relative or neighbor who lives within a mile and becomes happy, this increases the probability that you will be happy by 25 percent.

The impact of negative emotions

Think about how your own mood can be impacted by a sales clerk who smiles, is helpful and kind as opposed to one who is rude and unhelpful.

In one case, the clerk’s happiness creates a positive connection between you, while the other experience might leave you feeling frustrated or even angry. In both cases, a complete stranger’s attitudes influenced your own and you might in turn pass that attitude along to others — either through your good mood or your irritation.

In the case of negative emotions, Mirgain explains that they can actually have a greater impact than positive ones. When comparing the effects of a positive relationship to a negative one, the de-energizing connection (or negative) has an impact that is four to seven times greater than a positive or energizing relationship.

One place where this is easily seen is in the workplace.

“Research has shown that a 'toxic' co-worker — someone who is always negative, gossips about others or has a poor attitude — can actually be damaging to a workplace,” she said. “The negativity may lead to an environment where there is less information sharing, more conflict among team members, less trust and a lower performance by all members overall.”

Dealing with a negative co-worker can leave others feeling emotionally tired, unhappy and dissatisfied, which is why it’s important to address the negativity rather than try to ignore it.

The same is true when dealing with a negative friend or family member. In both cases, it might not be possible to stop all interactions, but it’s important to have a strategy for when you do need to interact. Mirgain explained that it starts by creating physical and emotional distance from the individuals.

“Consider the ways you can minimize interactions with the person and set boundaries,” she said.

Limit conversations to those topics you known won’t trigger the negativity.

“It can be challenging, but don’t let yourself get sucked into the negativity by joining in with it, such as complaining, gossiping or even by dwelling on the person’s behavior. It will only bring you down,” Mirgain said. “Remember that the other person’s behavior has very little to do with you — they are dealing with their own issues.”

Tips for staying positive

While it might seem like we’re at the mercy of others’ attitudes, Mirgain said that we do have some control: We can choose how we respond. To start, she offers some tips:

Share your feelings

When something gets under our skin, we can spend a lot of mental energy thinking about it. Instead, Mirgain suggests finding someone you trust and sharing your thoughts and feelings. It can take the sting out of the hurt and help you get moving in a positive direction again.

Talk to yourself

Think about what words you can tell yourself to help gain some perspective on the situation or that can help calm you down when a "hot button" issue gets brought up. A simple phrase to remind yourself like "let it go" or "breathe deep" can help refocus your thoughts.

Surround yourself with positivity

Your time is a valuable and limited resource. Just like any investment, choose wisely how you are going to spend it. Limit the time you spend with negative people and situations and instead, focus on the positive. It might mean you limit the amount of time you spend with someone, which can be particularly difficult when it is a loved one. But negative emotions — like positive ones — can impact your overall health and sense of well-being. While it could feel selfish on some level, you are taking the steps you need to care for your own health.

Get some sleep

Mirgain points to two studies on the effects of poor sleep and a couple’s ability to resolve conflict in their relationship. Essentially, couples who experienced poor sleep experienced more conflict in their relationships, were less empathetic toward the other person when trying to resolve issues and less likely to achieve resolution. When you’re tired, you don’t have the mental energy needed to redirect negative emotions and can more easily be overwhelmed by them. So get the sleep you need so you have the energy to deal with any issues.

Nurture the positive

There are many ways to help nurture the positive: Keep a journal, get out in nature, find the awe in every day and practice happiness.

"We have greater control over our emotions than we often realize," Mirgain said. "And taking care of our emotions is really about taking care of our overall health."

Thought/ Journal Topics:

1. What could you do to create a positive ripple in your community? 

2. What ripples have effected you?

3. Is there anyone in your life that consistently brings you down? How could you create more distance or stay away from negative topics with them?

4. Try to smile at 3 people today, or send 3 nice texts to friends you haven’t communicated with in a while. Texts not DMS! You never know the impact you might have.

(Laura’s thoughts)

Do you have an idea for an event or community activity but need a little guidance to get things going? Send me an email and I will do my best to help! The article below is a little spin off of Take The Rake that I hosted in Vermont.

 We Dig Dark Park Recap 

What You Resist Persists

(Laura’s thoughts)

The more I resist and procrastinate doing emails, the harder it is to sit down and start them. I feel anxious and have a hard time being fully present and enjoying whatever I’m doing instead of computer work.

The article below was really long and wordy. I shortened it quite a bit, check out the link to read the whole thing. To sum it up- the longer you ignore and bury things the larger toll they take on in the end.

It reminds me of a garden weed. Pretending you can’t see it doesn’t make it go away. Chopping off the top won’t kill the weed. It will grow back stronger and the roots become more mature. You can spray chemicals on it, like drinking or getting high. Most weeds will shrivel for a bit then continue to grow back. If you wait an entire season it will be more challenging to remove than if you addressed it when you first noticed it.

With the garden weed analogy there are a few resolutions. We can change our mindset. We can shift from resentment to appreciation. Weeds, after all, are just plants growing somewhere we don’t want. If we decide its a flower it stops being a weed.

We can dig down and get it out by the roots. Accept that it might be time consuming and burdensome, but that the end result will be worth it. If we enjoy the process of ripping it out it doesn’t feel like a chore.

I have been resisting working on the magazine. I’d rather do ANYTHING else. If I do something fun like skate I feel guilty. So i’ve been putting in work on my yard. Hours and hours of manual labor. Moving a fucked up amount of dirt and rocks by hand. At least I’m working on something, right? In a way I’m punishing myself. I think its due to unrealistic expectations and a fear of failure. eeek. I’m rewarding myself with a trip to the hardware store after writing this email, then setting a timer and doing 1 hour of work on the magazine.

“You Only Get More of What You Resist—Why?”

-By Leon F Seltzer PhD for Psychologytoday.com

(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)

 Link To Article 

Psychologically speaking, resistance and resolution are at opposite poles. For resistance has fundamentally to do with not being able, or willing, to deal with the negative experiences in your life. And ultimately your happiness depends a lot more on handling—then letting go of—such adversities than it does, self-protectively, denying them, or fighting against them.

Without consciously deciding to, you can even get “attached” to feelings you haven’t resolved.

Long ago, the depth psychologist Carl Jung contended that “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” And today this viewpoint is generally abbreviated to “what you resist persists.”

The complementary opposite of these similar expressions is another equally counter-intuitive one, which hints at the most viable solution to such a quandary. It goes: “To get what you want, want what you get.” What links these two expressions is the underlying notion that it’s wise to accept what is, if only to put yourself in the best possible position to change it—or to achieve the freedom to move past it.

So What’s Resistance All About?—and Why Is It So Problematic?

Typically, when you’re resisting what constitutes your reality—or rather, your subjective (and possibly faulty) sense of that reality—you’re shying away from it, complaining about it, resenting it, protesting against it, or doing battle with it. Without much self-realization, your energy, your focus, is concentrated on not moving beyond what opposes you, not coming to terms with it. And unconsciously, your impulse toward resistance tends to be about avoiding the more hurtful, or disturbing, aspects of the experience.

Not only can resistance take many forms, it can also apply to many situations. For example, it might have to do with revisiting a past trauma, which has never, or could ever, resolve on its own. To bring it back into focus would, at least initially, seem to risk revivifying old, profoundly distressful emotions—and, too, all the unpleasant physical sensations that accompany them. It’s therefore only human to want to distance yourself from such a memory. For you’d naturally assume that re-introducing it into full consciousness could drum up old pain—and maybe even engender more of it. To actually “welcome” such affliction back into your life—to dare to open yourself up to it all over again—might seem almost perverted, or masochistic.

Nonetheless, this understandably defensive posture only serves to perpetuate old, out-of-date thoughts and feelings about yourself, which are usually exaggerated and negatively distorted. And such instances of resistance keep you stuck in life, compromising your present-day ability to perform positive, problem-rectifying actions. Or, on the other hand, they prevent you from accepting, and reconciling yourself to, what perhaps can’t be changed—at least not now.

So not only do you squander precious energy in seeking to bypass what’s still lurking inside you, but the effort itself is futile. Things that haven’t been emotionally resolved don’t simply evaporate because you’ve paid them no heed.

If these negatively-charged memories are ever to exit your self-constructed cage and leave you alone—if you’re ever, that is, to be free of them and to heal those parts of yourself damaged by them—you need to let them out.

Investing energy in keeping from conscious awareness what has yet to be dealt with may help block the pain still inside you. But though you may not actually feel it very much, as many mind/body theorists have pointed out (e.g., see Candace Pert, Ph.D., Molecules of Emotion), various diseases and deteriorative physical conditions have been linked to what, emotionally, has never been released or discharged. The pain you may have worked so hard to stifle—but which nonetheless has “prevailed” within you—will eventually make itself known physically, in the form of symptoms you can no longer avoid.

Not always, but frequently enough, this is the fine you pay for trying to escape what I term “necessary pain.” And it can be exorbitant. For your resistance to opening up what feels like a noxious can of worms can’t address, and excise, your original suffering—only postpone it. But, like ignoring a mortgage payment and then being slapped with a stiff penalty, what you fail to confront (and possibly for the simple, “innocent” reason that you don’t know how to) leads to a much larger “bill” that has to be paid later on.

So What’s the Solution to This Self-Imposed Dilemma?

As Werner Erhard proclaimed in his est trainings: “Happiness is a function of acceptance.” Or, as I like to put it, anything you can manage to accept, you can be happy with.

And while doing this may seem untenable or far-fetched, in essence, it’s precisely what the Buddha counseled over 2000 years ago, as a way of getting off the “wheel” of human suffering. Over the centuries many wise thinkers and teachers have espoused basically this same viewpoint.

One route that many of us take to avoid suffering is by blaming others for our misery. But allowing your resentments and animosities to linger indefinitely only perpetuates your gloom. And this is why there are reams of literature on the practical value of forgiving those who have wronged you. As long as you hold onto your hostility or hatred, you’ll never be able to rid yourself of the bad feelings still residing within you. The only way to free yourself from such toxic emotions is to accept that what happened happened, and that it’s now time to let go—so you can move on and put your energy into something that would be more fulfilling to you.

It’s similar to grieving a loved one, especially your life partner—one of the most painful emotions you’ll ever experience. If, mindfully, you dive into these feelings and permit yourself to fully “engage” with them, at some point they’ll begin to fade and you can put your life back together again.

Contrast this with “wallowing” in an almost indulgent self-pity over your loss, which can then make your suffering last considerably longer. Besides, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” For the deceased can continue to live vibrantly—and supportively—inside you (and do so until you yourself pass on).

As regards the energy that’s available to you when you let go, it might be useful to add a few more words about the so-called “Law of Attraction.” Based on the homeopathic notion that “like attracts like,” this not really scientifically validated precept centers on the principle that you’re “blessed—or “cursed”—with whatever you focus on. So if your attention revolves around what you don’t want, you’ll just attract more of it to you. By devoting all your energy to what you’re convinced is so important to avoid, you paradoxically further “energize” it, and so permit it to have even more power over you. Through your misdirected attention, you actually strengthen exactly what you’d hope to weaken.

And just as your resistance to it lets it “take you over,” abandoning this self-protective, defensive stance paves the way for positive change. For this negativity, no longer “fed” by your attention to it, will in the natural course of things wither and die. And even if it doesn’t, accepting what has felt so un-acceptable reduces the stress it’s been causing you. Or rather, you’ve been causing yourself.

As I mentioned earlier, you’re much better off focusing not on what’s blocking you from realizing your desires, but on the desires themselves—and how best to reach them nonetheless.

To sum up, it can hardly be overemphasized that to maximize your chances of getting what you want, it’s foolish, and futile, to dedicate your time and attention to resisting what you don’t want. On the contrary, what’s needed is to reapply your energy toward what you do—and plan a prudent course of action to get there.

Otherwise, however regrettably, you’ll have made yourself part of the problem, rather than the so-longed-after solution

Thought/ Journal Topics:

1. What memories or emotions do you resist? 

2. What physical tasks do you resist?

3. For the things you are resisting, can you change your mindset or take a form of action?

4. Think of something that you tried to burry or procrastinated for as long as possible. In the long run did this help or hinder you? What can you learn from the past experience?

Fear Of The Unkown

(Laura’s thoughts)

In 2017 I was hit by a car while riding my motorcycle. My pelvis, right femur, and right hand were broken and my left hip dislocated. Im very grateful my body is still functional and I can still snowboard. That did not come easily. I put everything into my physical therapy, started swimming laps, and try to avoid actions that hurt.

My left leg is noticeably smaller and less defined than my right. I tried weight training and physical therapy. I’ve tried to reconnect my brain to that side of my body. I did EMDR to address the PTSD. I feel frustrated like I’ve tried everything and it’s still weak and painful. Occasionally I get sharp pains doing normal daily activities.

During a Meetup I asked a friend about their knee recovery. After surgery they got to a point where they stopped making progress. They wondered if they were doing too much, or not enough. They felt like the plato was related to something they were doing wrong. Eventually they went and got their knee examined again. They got a ortho scope. Within a month they started to feel stronger.

Hearing this story made me so emotional. I am scared of the unknown. What if my hip needs to be replaced? What if it can’t be fixed?

I am going to get my hip checked out. Im terrified. Listing and confronting my fears has helped a little. Not actually knowing whats going on is shitty by itself. No matter what the outcome is I bet that getting some clarity will help.

“7 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of the Unknown And Get More Out of Life”

-By Kathryn Sandford for LifeHack.org

(Edited / shortened for our reading)

 Link To Article 

The fear of the unknown can be hard to describe because all the feelings and thoughts around this fear are in our head. These negative feelings and thoughts create mental blocks. It is these mental blocks that influence the way in which we live our life and if let loose can have a detrimental impact on us living our lives to the fullest.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Nelson Mandela

To be able to conquer your fear of the unknown, you have to be committed to making the changes within yourself.

How to Overcome Your Fear of the Unknown

1.UNDERSTAND YOUR FEAR

Our brain is hardwired to prefer negative consequences to uncertain outcomes. Our fear of the known is not based on reality. Our fear of the unknown is just a whole pile of self-limiting beliefs based on what we think may happen and not on what is our reality.

2. FIND THE CAUSE OF YOUR FEAR

The fear of the unknown is made up of many thoughts and beliefs that result from negative experiences. If you have failed in business or you feel you have failed in life and have low self-belief, then your fear of the unknown will be heightened and wanting to protect you.

When you are faced with the opportunity to step out of your comfort zone, spend some time analyzing the cause of your fear of the unknown. Once you have identified the cause of your fear, then brainstorm ways to minimize risk and ways in which you can cope with the hurdles you may face.

3. QUESTION YOUR FEAR

The fear of the unknown is based on our perception of what might happen in the future. The future has not happened and this is where you take your fears to court and question them.

For example, ask yourself the following 3 questions:

• What evidence is there that supports my fear of the unknown?

• What are 3 examples where I have successfully coped with uncertainty?

• What evidence is there that I will fail and my fear of the unknown will be right?

4. ACCEPT FAILURE AS AN OPTION

“The guy who takes a chance, who walks the line between the known and unknown, who is unafraid of failure, will succeed.” Gordon Parks

An underlying cause of our fear of the unknown is based on our fear of failure. This is especially true when we are about to embark on a new journey that will take us out of our comfort zone.

If you cannot accept that the possibility of failure is an option, then your fear of the unknown will convince you to stay put in your comfort zone.

If we take away the idea of failure and use setbacks as experiences to draw lessons from, there will always inevitably be a positive outcome at some point in your journey.

5. RIDE THE WAVE OF FEAR

“Unknown is what it is. Accept that it’s unknown and it’s plain sailing. Everything is unknown-then you’re ahead of the game. That’s what it is. Right?” — John Lennon

Talking to someone about your feelings is one good technique to managing your fear. Also, exercise and mediation help to slow your thoughts down and keep your mind focused on the present not what may or may not happen in the future.

6. EMBRACE CHANGE

We live in a world of constant and at times disruptive change. The more we resist change, the more it will persist in our lives.

Accept that you cannot avoid the effect of change in your life. Also accept that change is not to be feared by you. The more you open up to the concept of change, the more resilient and courageous you will become.

Resisting change keeps you in a place of discomfort and that’s where your fear of the unknown likes to be.

7. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS – THE KEY TO QUIETING YOUR MIND

Your fear of the unknown is created by your thoughts and self-limiting beliefs that are all held in your mind. For some of us, these thoughts and beliefs have been in our minds for many years and have a huge influence on how we live our lives.

These thoughts and beliefs will not go away over night. It takes commitment and work from you to retrain your mind so that you have peace and successfully manage the noise of thoughts in your mind.

“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” – Deepak Chopra

“By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of our comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us.” — Alan Wyatts

Thought/ Journal Topics:

1. Is there anything you are scared to admit to yourself? 

2. Think of a tough situation. What is the worst case scenario? Is it as bad as you make it out to be?

3. How likely is that worse case scenario? Are you spending more energy worrying about something unknown than it merits?

4. Make a list of fears. Does writing them down help?

(Laura’s thoughts)

I’m scared that I’m missing crucial paperwork or legal stuff for We’re All Mental. There’s so much I don’t know its scary. The worst case scenario is a government agent knocking on my door and telling me I have to shut it down. This is EXTREMELY unlikely. Even if it did happen, I would be okay. Writing this down helps me realize that I’m making a nightmare out of nothing.

For my hip- maybe I need surgery. Maybe I need a hip replacement. Maybe nothing can be done, and I need to live with the pain and discomfort. Not knowing whats going on and trying to ignore its flare ups is worse than any of these options. Worst possible case scenario they say its fucked and cut off my leg. Likelihood of that - about 0.

Giving and Receiving Support

(Laura’s thoughts)

“If you want something done right, do it yourself.” I take this phrase WAY to far. Do it yourself, without help. I don’t do it intentionally, it just kind of happens. Other people helping me with tasks can make me feel anxious or sometimes feel slower and less productive than working alone.

Unfortunately this mindset tends to cross over into my emotional struggles. I love showing up for other people, it makes me feel really good. Communicating my needs when I’m struggling does not come easily. Things usually get pretty bad before I finally admit I’d like support.

Sometimes I get frustrated by the attempts of others to help me. If someone suggests I take some time to chill out, take a little break from the backend work of We’re All Mental and watch TV—-> I get defensive. I don’t mean to. But I don’t enjoy watching TV. I get restless sitting still.

The hard part about asking for support with We’re All Mental is that I need help with very specific things. It might take me just as long to explain HOW to actually help me than it would take me to do it myself.

There’s no easy solution. After I send out this email I’m going to attempt to organize the list of things I want help with and break it down in a way that others will hopefully be able to support me.

One of my favorite kinds of emotional support is texts that help me stay accountable and remind me I’m not alone and I’m doing alright. Over the winter a friend messaged me to ask how my journaling and PT was going. How I was holding up emotionally. Getting those messages helped me commit to journaling and helped me reassure myself that even though life was stressful I was doing my best and that is always enough.

“7 Ways to Ask for Emotional Support”

-By Joyce Marter LCPC for Psychology Today

(Edited / shortened for our reading)

 Link To Article 

It’s not surprising that the higher our stress level is, the more self-care and support we need to be balanced and well. According to a study¹conducted during the height of the pandemic, 40 percent of U.S. adults were struggling with their mental health or substance abuse. Anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and contemplating suicide rose considerably compared to that same period a year prior. The pandemic has increased our stress and significantly decreased our ability to access support in the same ways we did in the past.

You Deserve Emotional Support

What does it say about our society that we are all in need of more emotional support? It means we are at risk of burnout. I’ve been there. As a caregiver, I was more comfortable taking care of others. I neglected myself and became exhausted and depleted.

Barriers to accessing support include lack of trust, not feeling deserving, and fear of imposition or rejection. Studies² found people tend to underestimate if others will comply with their requests for help by as much as 50 percent.

What Does Your Support Network Look Like?

Consciously assess and nurture your support network like a garden. Plant seeds for new relationships, nurture the ones with people you love and weed out toxic relationships that are no longer healthy for you.

Ask for the types of support you need from the people in your support network who are capable of providing it. You wouldn’t go to a bakery and order a steak or you’d end up disappointed. So, ask the people who are capable of providing emotional support for what you need.

Seven Tips for Giving and Receiving Emotional Support

Giving and receiving support are two sides of the same coin. These seven tips show you how to give and receive more emotional support.

How to Give Emotional Support

1. Check in with loved ones on a regular basis. Ask how they are doing and ask other open-ended questions.

2. Be present. Look at loved ones in the eye and avoid multitasking while with them. Give them time and space to share what’s on their mind.

3. Provide empathy, not judgment. Connect with your heart and relate on an emotional and feeling level. Reflect understanding of how they feel and normalize and validate their feelings.

4. Ask how you can best support them. Don’t problem-solve, offer unsolicited advice, or assume you know what they need. Remember, everyone has a different way they prefer to receive support (love language).

5. Keep your word. Maintain personal integrity and follow through with the promises of support you have made. This facilitates trust.

6. Be thoughtful. Remember what is going on in their lives and provide well wishes and encouragement. By doing so, you demonstrate genuine care and concern.

7. Follow up. Circle back with them and repeat these steps. The closer and more important the relationship, the more frequently you should circle back.

The other side of the coin is asking for more emotional support when you need it the most.

How to Receive Emotional Support

1. Check in with yourself at least once a day, and ask yourself what type of support you need. There are different types of support including emotional, community, spiritual, financial, help with tasks, or friendship or family connection.

2. Move past barriers that are in between you and the support you deserve. These may include fear, pride, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, learned helplessness, hopelessness, or irrational beliefs such as seeking help is a sign of weakness. Care enough about yourself to ask for what you need.

3. Identify who in your support system might be able to provide this type of support. If you do not have somebody, consider counseling or therapy, or support groups. You may also ask people in your life to help you find others to help meet your needs.

4. Use assertive communication to find your voice and ask specifically for what you need.

   The following are examples of using assertive communication to ask for what you need:

   “I am going through a funk and need you to check in with me once a day.”

   “I just need to vent about work and need somebody to listen. Do you have 15 minutes later today?”

   “I need a hug.”

5. Express gratitude for the support you received. Thank people for their time and love. Tell them exactly what they did that was so helpful and why. This will fill their cup.

6. Consider how you might be able to provide this person with support in the future. Relationships should be mutual and reciprocal in support. You’ll feel good giving back when they need you the most.

7. Repeat. Asking for the support you deserve is a life practice that must be cultivated and tended to consciously daily.

As humans, we are interdependent and interconnected. Helen Keller was right when she said, “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” We are in this together and we can support one another through times like this. Using these tips will make it easier to give and ask for support. You must care enough about yourself to welcome the support you deserve.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

1. Who could you ask for emotional support? 

2. Who would you ask for a form of physical or task based support?

3. What kinds of support are the easiest for you to give?

4. What kinds of support would you benefit from receiving?

Sustainable Habits

I’ve never been one to make new years resolutions. They don’t really seem realistic to me. I do try to create small tweaks in my daily routines and that has been really helpful for me.

I travel a lot during the winter and sometimes I want to pass out when there are people around / lights on. I started playing the same thunderstorm sound cast every night when I’m ready for bed. That little shift has made it a lot easier for me to fall asleep no matter where I am.

I used to do pushups first thing when I rolled out of bed so if the house was cold I would warm up. My goal for this week is to start doing push ups again in the morning… My cue will be getting out of bed. The action is pushups, and the reward is feeling more awake and warm. Im going to start small - just 5 pushups a day. Something realistic. When I’m strong my mental health is more consistent and I snowboard better. I’m excited to try to get back to more healthy habits.

Reading:

How To Build Healthy Habits By Tara Parker-Pope

(Shortened for our reading)

It’s not about willpower. Good habits happen when we set ourselves up for success. Our new challenge will show you how.

We’re all creatures of habit. We tend to wake up at the same time each day, brush our teeth, have morning coffee and commute to work, following the same patterns every day.

So why is it so hard to form new healthy habits?

Behavioral scientists who study habit formation say that many of us try to create healthy habits the wrong way. We make bold resolutions to start exercising or lose weight, for example, without taking the steps needed to set ourselves up for success.

Here are some tips, backed by research, for forming new healthy habits.

Stack your habits. The best way to form a new habit is to tie it to an existing habit, experts say. Look for patterns in your day and think about how you can use existing habits to create new, positive ones.

For many of us, our morning routine is our strongest routine, so that’s a great place to stack on a new habit. A morning cup of coffee, for example, can create a great opportunity to start a new one-minute meditation practice. Or, while you are brushing your teeth, you might choose to do squats or stand on one foot to practice balance.

Many of us fall into end-of-the-day patterns as well. Do you tend to flop on the couch after work and turn on the TV? That might be a good time to do a single daily yoga pose.

Start small. B.J. Fogg, a Stanford University researcher and author of the book “Tiny Habits,” notes that big behavior changes require a high level of motivation that often can’t be sustained. He suggests starting with tiny habits to make the new habit as easy as possible in the beginning. Taking a daily short walk, for example, could be the beginning of an exercise habit. Or, putting an apple in your bag every day could lead to better eating habits.

In his own life, Dr. Fogg wanted to start a daily push-up habit. He started with just two push-ups a day and, to make the habit stick, tied his push-ups to a daily habit: going to the bathroom. He began by, after a bathroom trip, dropping and doing two push-ups. Now he has a habit of 40 to 80 push-ups a day.

Do it every day. British researchers studied how people form habits in the real world, asking participants to choose a simple habit they wanted to form, like drinking water at lunch or taking a walk before dinner. The study, published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, showed that the amount of time it took for the task to become automatic — a habit — ranged from 18 to 254 days. The median time was 66 days!

The lesson is that habits take a long time to create, but they form faster when we do them more often, so start with something reasonable that is really easy to do. You are more likely to stick with an exercise habit if you do some small exercise — jumping jacks, a yoga pose, a brisk walk — every day, rather than trying to get to the gym three days a week. Once the daily exercise becomes a habit, you can explore new, more intense forms of exercise.

Make it easy. Habit researchers know we are more likely to form new habits when we clear away the obstacles that stand in our way. Packing your gym bag and leaving it by the door is one example of this.

Reward yourself. Rewards are an important part of habit formation. When we brush our teeth, the reward is immediate — a minty fresh mouth. But some rewards — like weight loss or the physical changes from exercise — take longer to show up. That’s why it helps to build in some immediate rewards to help you form the habit.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• Think of a consistent daily routine you practice. Could you add another healthy part to it?

• What habits do you do that you are proud of? Why are you able to maintain them?

• Could you replace an action/habit that you are not happy with to something diferent? What is the trigger for this habit and the reward?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.