Asking for Help
Asking for help
(Laura’s thoughts)
I don’t like asking for help. It often seems like the process of asking for help and then receiving help will take longer and be more stressful then doing it by myself.
What if the person I ask for help does it wrong? Or doesn’t understand? Or questions why I need help in the first place?
Being off my feet and on crutches right now means I need to ask for help more than I’d like. I got really nervous and anxious thinking about asking my neighbor to mow my lawn. Like how the fuck am I gonna flag him down off his riding mower. Before I even got down my steps he was walking over to check in with me, and was happy to mow my lawn. He asked if there was anything else I needed and reminded me that him and his wife are happy to help. That made me feel really good and like I’m part of the neighborhood.
Asking for help for physical tasks is slightly less intimidating then asking for help for emotional stuff. Over the past 3 years I have gotten better at acknowledging when I could use support emotionally and being specific about who I want to help me and how they best can.
I like to ask one person, and start by explaining why I’m asking them, like because they make me feel safe and loved. Then I’ll ask them to support me in one of these ways:
I don’t want advice. I just want to vent and for you to listen and tell me it’s gonna be okay.
Can you offer me advice or share a story of how you got thru a similar situation?
Can you ask me questions to help me work through this? Can you ask me what I’m so freaked out about, what I’ve actually done to help myself so far, what my plan is moving forward?
Can you check in with me once a day, or once a week, and remind me that you care about me?
“4 Tips to Effectively Ask for Help—and Get a Yes”
-by Jeffrey Davis M.A. for Psychologytoday.com
(Edited / shortened for our reading. Check out the full article below)
As highly social animals, we humans depend on one another to learn and grow. What’s more, research shows that helping others actually makes us feel good and that generosity is likely an important evolutionary adaptation for our species. If we are hardwired for altruism, why then is it so uncomfortable for us to ask for help?
In a society that praises self-help and self-reliance, it is becoming increasingly difficult for us to ask our colleagues, friends, and even our family for the assistance we need. The mere thought of asking for help can eat away at our ego, undermine our confidence, make us question our abilities, and even paralyze us with anxiety. Yet in modern life—at a time when we are more digitally connected and emotionally detached than ever—the stark reality is that no one can go it alone.
Learning how to ask for (and accept) help is perhaps one of the greatest skills you can develop. Luckily, new research shows that asking for and actually getting help is a lot easier and less daunting than it seems
But first, let’s examine our contradictory reluctance to take advantage of this evolutionary altruism.
Why Is Asking for Help So Hard?
The primary reason is fear. We fear that we’ll be turned down, laughed at, or revealed to be a fraud. Though these fears are usually unfounded, we are loathe to ask for help because this seemingly simple act carries a number of high social risks: rejection, vulnerability, diminished status, and the inherent relinquishing of control. In the face of these threats, fear overrides reason and, as studies in neuroscience show, this risk of emotional pain activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain.
Another reason why asking for help seems so hard is that we are pretty terrible at articulating our needs in a way that someone can offer constructive aid. This is partially due to a cognitive bias that social psychologists call the illusion of transparency, or the mistaken belief that our feelings, thoughts, and needs are obvious to other people. Too often, we wait for someone to notice our telepathic plea for help and inevitably get frustrated when no one does.
4 Tips to Ask for (and Get) Help
1. Be concise and specific. Asking for and offering help can only be productive under one crucial condition: clear communication. Try to communicate your request as clearly and concisely as possible. There is no need to over-explain: simply describe what the task is, why it matters, and how the person you’re asking can contribute. Try to be as specific as possible so they know exactly what it is they will need to do and can accurately judge how much time and energy the task will take.
Furthermore, be willing to negotiate. Let them decide how much support they can offer and try to find a mutually beneficial solution.
2. Don’t apologize. Don’t apologize for asking for help. No one gets excited about a task that the asker feels the need to apologize for. We all need help sometimes and it's nothing to be ashamed of—but apologizing makes it seem like you’re doing something wrong by asking and casts the task at hand in a negative light.
On that note, don’t minimize your need with phrases like “I hate to ask...” or “It’s just a small thing.” This suggests that their assistance is trivial and takes the joyous sense of accomplishment out of helping. After all, how am I supposed to feel if you “hate to ask” for my assistance? Similarly, don’t ask them to do you a favor. This can make people feel obliged to say yes.
3. Make it personal, not transactional. Don’t ask for help over email or text. Though it’s easier to send a written request, it’s also a lot easier to say no to one. Try to speak face to face or call. Studies show that face-to-face requests are 34 times more successful!
Make your request more personal by explaining why the person’s skills or expertise make them uniquely suited to this task. This casts them as a helpful person and not just another person you can resort to for help. Studies show that when people are asked to “be a generous donor”—rather than simply asked to donate—they are more likely to say yes and donate larger sums.
Finally, don’t emphasize reciprocity. While we tend to think that sweetening the deal with the promise of a returned favor is a good strategy, this kind of language makes your request feel transactional. People don’t like feeling indebted to others, and others are more likely to help you if you show genuine appreciation for their aid rather than assign their efforts a monetary value.
4. Follow up with results. Beyond expressing your gratitude, you should follow up with the helper to share the tangible results of their aid. As much as we’d like to think that acts of generosity are their own reward, the reality is that people long to feel effective. We want to feel that the work we do and the help we give matters. Take the time to show the people who help you why their support not only matters to you, but how it makes a larger impact on your life, work, or community.
Next time you think you need some help, remember that there are more people than you think who are eager to lend a hand. More importantly, use these suggestions to ask in a way that empowers you and the person you’re asking to reap the rewards of generosity and collaboration.
Thought/ Journal Topics:
Who could you ask for help with physical tasks or things like rides to the airport?
Who could you ask for emotional support?
Reach out to these people and let them know you care about them. Check in with them! Then next time you want to ask them for help it won’t seem as shitty.
Save a voice memo or note on your phone with the precise language you would use to ask for help.
If you have a hard time asking for help, why? What specifically makes you nervous? Writing it down might help calm your nerves.
How does it feel when someone successfully helps you?
Reach out to someone who has helped you in the past and let them know you appreciate them.
