Losing loved ones

(Laura’s thoughts)

The holidays are challenging for me. I often get asked, “Are you going home?” This question alone is triggering - I don’t have a typical “home” to go to… My condo is home.

I really miss my Mom on holidays. When I get asked if I’m going home its a reminder that my Mom isn’t physically with us anymore. This is also my first holiday without my cat, Neko. He passed away last spring. He felt like home to me. He was a huge emotional support for me.

A friend, Jaeger Bailey, committed suicide on Christmas a few years ago. We weren’t super close but his death hit me really hard. I have spiraled out of control on more holidays then I care to count. This email is for him, for my mom, for Neko. We are not alone. We are loved.

Reading:

Bereavement: Grieving the Loss of a Loved One

Few things compare to the pain of losing someone you love. While there’s no way to avoid intense feelings of grief, there are healthier ways to come to terms with your loss.

Bereavement is the grief and mourning experience following the death of someone important to you. While it’s an inevitable part of life—something that virtually all of us go through at some point—losing someone you love can be one of the most painful experiences you’ll ever have to endure.

Whether it’s a close friend, spouse, partner, parent, child, or other relative, the death of a loved one can feel overwhelming. You may experience waves of intense and very difficult emotions, ranging from profound sadness, emptiness, and despair to shock, numbness, guilt, or regret. You might rage at the circumstances of your loved one’s death—your anger focused on yourself, doctors, other loved ones, or God. You may even find it difficult to accept the person is really gone, or struggle to see how you can ever recover and move on from your loss.

Bereavement isn’t limited to emotional responses, either. Grief at the death of a loved one can also trigger physical reactions, including weight and appetite changes, difficulty sleeping, aches and pains, and an impaired immune system leading to illness and other health problems.

The level of support you have around you, your personality, and your own levels of health and well-being can all play a role in how grief impacts you following bereavement. But no matter how much pain you’re in right now, it’s important to know that there are healthy ways to cope with the anguish and come to terms with your grief. While life may never be quite the same again, in time you can ease your sorrow, start to look to the future with hope and optimism, and eventually move forward with your life.

Bereavement isn’t restricted to the death of a person. For many of us, our pets are also close companions or family members. So, when a pet dies, you can experience similar feelings of grief, pain, and loss. As with grieving for human loved ones, healing from the loss of an animal companion takes time, but there are ways to cope with your grief.

Grieving your loss

Whatever your relationship to the person who died, it’s important to remember that we all grieve in different ways. There’s no single way to react. When you lose someone important in your life, it’s okay to feel how you feel. Some people express their pain by crying, others never shed a tear—but that doesn’t mean they feel the loss any less.

Don’t judge yourself, think that you should be behaving in a different way, or try to impose a timetable on your grief. Grieving someone’s death takes time. For some people, that time is measured in weeks or months, for others it’s in years.

Allow yourself to feel. The bereavement and mourning process can trigger many intense and unexpected emotions. But the pain of your grief won’t go away faster if you ignore it. In fact, trying to do so may only make things worse in the long run. To eventually find a way to come to terms with your loss, you’ll need to actively face the pain. As bereavement counselor and writer Earl Grollman put it, “The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

Grief doesn’t always move through stages. You may have read about the different “stages of grief”—usually denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, many people find that grief following the death of a loved one isn’t nearly that predictable. For some, grief can come in waves or feel more like an emotional rollercoaster. For others, it can move through some stages but not others. Don’t think that you should be feeling a certain way at a certain time.

Prepare for painful reminders. Some days the pain of your bereavement may seem more manageable than others. Then a reminder such as a photo, a piece of music, or a simple memory can trigger a wave of painful emotions again. While you can’t plan ahead for such reminders, you can be prepared for an upcoming holiday, anniversary, or birthday that may reignite your grief. Talk to other friends and family ahead of time and agree on the best ways to mark such occasions.

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one. Finding a way to continue forward with your life doesn’t mean your pain will end or your loved one will be forgotten. Most of us carry our losses with us throughout life; they become part of who we are. The pain should gradually become easier to bear, but the memories and the love you had for the person will always remain.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• Think of someone you’ve lost. How do you think they would want you to spend the holidays?
  (my mom told us she’d want to see us laughing and smiling)

• What can you do to celebrate those you’ve lost?

• What is a healthy way to express tough emotions?

• Who is still around that you really appreciate, but might not know you feel that way? Can you reach out to them?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

Remaining Calm in difficult situations

(Laura’s thoughts)

I left Minnesota on Wednesday morning, headed back to Salt Lake City. This drive usually takes me 18 hours. Around 7:00 pm I got stuck on the shoulder of the highway trying to pass semi-trucks in a blizzard. I dug myself out, drove back onto the road, and decided to wait it out. I turned my truck off to conserve gas. When I went to start it up around 1 am when I got cold my battery was dead. We didn’t get help until 1:00 pm the next day.

I called a friend and joked about how fucked up the situation was. I told myself that the best thing I could do was stay calm. I knew I wouldn’t freeze to death because If i got too cold I could get in someone else’s truck. I was grateful I had cell service, lots of warm layers, snacks, and hand warmers. I figured worst case scenario wed be there for 2 days, best case scenario we’d be out early the next morning. Either way, I was getting out. I made a nest in the cab of my truck and went to sleep.

Semi-truck drivers woke me up around 9:00 am frantically knocking on my window - they were worried I was freezing to death. Their energy made me think about how the situation could have unfolded differently if I had gotten scared and left the safety of my truck or had a panic attack and not thought rationally about how to wear the most layers….

Reading:

What to Do When Your Mind (Always) Dwells on the Worst-Case Scenario by Meg Jay

(shortend for our reading)

Catastrophizing is a common reaction to uncertain situations where we tend to overestimate the likelihood or consequences of our worst fears.

• It’s very common among young adults between the ages of 18 and 35, because the part of the brain that deals with uncertainties is still developing during this time in our lives.

• To overcome catastrophic thinking, avoid dwelling in your past or present. Try to stay right where you are.

• Imagine your best- and worst-case scenario. You’ll realize that both are just childlike fantasies.

• Understand that reality is not black or white. It’s usually someone in the middle.

• To stay motivated, remind yourself of all the times in the past when you’ve actually overcome crises.

Your brain is like a smoke detector. Imagine that you’re sitting at your desk at home and clearing out your inbox when the smoke alarm goes off down the hall. What’s your first reaction?

1. Aargh! I forgot to take my toast out of the oven.

2. The house is on fire!

In your day-to-day life, uncertainties are like smoke. Your job is to figure out whether the problem is burnt toast, a house fire, or just a false alarm, and respond accordingly.

But this is easier said than done.

Stop time traveling. Most of our catastrophes exist in the future. Mentally transporting yourself to next month or next year is no way to solve a problem in the here and now. Rather, take a deep breath, feel your feet on the ground, and stay right where you are.

Focus on what is. Part of staying in the present is not focusing on “what if” but on “what is.” Catastrophizing is based on fear rather than on facts.

Get more data points. The real cure for catastrophizing is confidence, and confidence comes from experience.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

Think of a chalenging situation that made you freak out. Did anything good come from your intense reaction?

What do you do to stay calm during a crisis / disaster scenario?

Can you better prepare yourself for inevitable hardships?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

Intuition

(Laura’s Thoughts)

Learning to listen to your intuition is a skill. It can be really hard to trust a feeling that is fleeting and without proof. Is it all in my head, or is this really happening?

If I’m at the hill and I get a bad feeling I try to listen to it. That might mean staying away from metal and just cruising, going in to take a break, or leaving. It can feel like my mind really wants to board, but my body’s fucking tired and its nudging me to take it easy.

In relationships, sometimes we hear one thing but it doesn’t align with someones actions. If we are listening to our gut were interpreting the big picture. If someone says they want to be there for you but makes up a ton of excuses why they can’t be, and your gut is telling you to step back, it might be a good idea.

I’ve been nervous to move away from Salt Lake and I’ve been trying to think about it analytically. There are so many variables to weigh out... but in my heart I know it will be good for me, so thats enough.

Reading:

Malcolm Gladwell on intuition

A tremendous amount of expertise resides in the unconscious mind. These aren't things we can necessarily describe, explain or map out. It's a steady accumulation of knowledge that lies below the surface and comes out in the form of intuition. This is one thing that distinguishes experts from non-experts. As the mind stores unconscious expertise, we become more sophisticated. Anyone juggling many different variables, dealing with incredibly new and complex issues, managing all kinds of different personalities has to, at some point, rely on this body of submerged knowledge to make sense of their tasks.

Make distinctions between what's knowable and what's not knowable. Use classic, rational, constant analysis, but be very clear about the things that are not predictable. When it comes to answering these types of questions, we have no choice but to rely on our best judgment. However, understand that when you rely on best judgment, the rules change a bit. Judgment is something that can't always be explained or defined. It doesn't come with an instruction manual. It requires a leap of faith.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

Think of a time when you followed your instincts and it worked out… How did it feel to trust yourself?

If you have a bad feeling about something but there isn’t any real evidence to support it, how would you handle it?

Is putting your trust in hard truths better than trusting your instinct? Why or why not?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

Abundance Mindset

(Laura’s thoughts)

When I got into snowboarding I felt like I had to fight for everything. It was a struggle and I had to do it on my own. Other people seemed hesitant to help explain how they got where they were; the information was guarded.

If another girl got sponsored that meant that there wouldn’t be room for me. We were pitted against each other for the one lady spot on a team.

This is a mindset, it is not a reality. If we support each other we grow stronger. When we talk about how our struggles in life we feel less alone. Sharing what we learn helps everyone grow and progress.

Reading:

Mindset Matters: Abundance Mindset vs. Scarcity Mindset

(edited for our reading)

Abundance mindset vs. scarcity mindset: why it matters now.

You have two predominant mindsets competing for your attention: scarcity and abundance. To put it simply, a scarcity mindset leaves you feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and paralyzed. An abundance mindset leaves you feeling excited, motivated, and ready for action.

The scarcity mindset.

Those who hold a scarcity mindset are of the belief that everything necessary for future progress is becoming scarce or running out. This mindset is filled with envy, guilt, and anger.

A scarcity mindset suggests that life is a zero-sum game. If someone else does well, it must be at the expense of everyone else who’s doing poorly. It implies that once resources are depleted, they cannot be replaced—therefore, you must compete to get as many resources as possible while restricting them from others.

Entrepreneurs often fall into the trap of a scarcity mindset when they first start out, feeling as if there’s only “so much to go around” and that they need to grab whatever they can to get ahead. It can even mean preventing others from getting what they want or need. The reality is that our world does not operate that way, and a scarcity mindset does nothing but hold us back from achieving the growth we desire.

The abundance mindset.

Abundance mindsets are grateful, creative, and cooperative.

Instead of seeing life as a zero-sum game, those with an abundance mindset see all of the opportunities that life has to offer. Instead of seeing the depletion of resources, they see how human ingenuity can create new, practical solutions and breakthroughs. They see endless opportunity.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• How do you feel when someone else is successful?

• How does it feel when you help someone else grow?

• Do you guard your success or feel threatened by others?

• Is wage transparency important?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

Trust Issues

Thank you Luther for preparing this weeks reading. (shortened for our purposes)

(Luthers’s thoughts)

I don’t really think of myself as someone who has trust issues, but that’s because I try to avoid allowing myself to rely on other people. When I would work on a group project I would do most (or all) of the work myself. I assume people aren’t going to follow through when I ask them to do something for me. If I don’t give people opportunities to let me down, I won’t get hurt.

I’ve started by taking small leaps of faith. Asking a friend to show up for this snowboard premiere that was important to me. Part of what really counts for me is effort. Even though one of my friends couldn’t end up coming, they still texted me afterwards to see how it went. In that moment, it helped me realize, they care about me. Even though they couldn’t be there. The other big thing was talking through issues, when I had a problem with one friend I tried my best to communicate with them rather than just shutting down. When we got through the other side, I was pleasantly surprised to find that they didn’t just ‘give up on me’ and leave. We are still friends. Finally, I know if I do get hurt again in the future I will be ok. I’ve had it happen before and I’ve made it out the other side. Learning to trust and rely on people isn’t easy, but I feel like it’s worth it.

Reading:

How to Overcome Trust Issues with Friends by Hailey Shafir, M.Ed, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS

1. Check which trust issues you have

Knowing the signs of trust issues is an important first step in being able to know if you have them and, if so, how and where they tend to show up.

Some of the common signs of trust issues include:

Insecurity: worrying about being rejected, disliked, or abandoned

Expectations: expecting everyone to leave, betray, lie, or hurt you

Suspicion: feeling suspicious of people’s intentions, actions, or words

Guarding: being overly private or hesitant to open up to others

Testing: needing to constantly test a friend to see if they are loyal, honest, or sincere

Jealousy: often feeling threatened or jealous of friends

Independence: having trouble asking for or accepting help from others

Dependence: being overly clingy, controlling, or needy in relationships

Once you know why, when, and how your trust issues show up, the next steps involve doing things differently when they do arise.

2. Trust until you have a reason not to

Try starting with the assumption that a person is trustworthy until they prove they are not, rather than requiring people to prove themselves.

3. Take a small leap of faith

Trust can’t develop in a friendship without taking a ‘leap of faith’, or choosing to trust someone even if you aren’t sure you can. With new friends, try asking for a small favor or telling them something personal and ask them not to share it.

4. Don’t assume it’s personal

If a friend doesn’t text or call you back right away, consider what might be going on with them. It could be that they are in a meeting, doctor’s appointment, or don’t have cell service. By not assuming it’s personal, you can often see the situation more clearly and understand your friend’s true intentions.

5. Let yourself be seen and heard

Strong relationships require vulnerability, which means remaining open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and needs, even when it’s scary.

6. Talk through issues while they’re still small

Communication can be a powerful way to keep your relationships strong and healthy. Address conflicts, disagreements, or hurt feelings when they arise instead of letting them build up.

7. Choose the right friends

If you find yourself carrying all the weight in a friendship, there may be more going on than trust issues. When you have trustworthy friends, it’s much easier to work through trust issues.

8. Know when to cut your losses

If friends aren’t willing to put effort into making things right with you, it may be important to cut your losses and focus on friendships where the trust goes both ways.

9. Trust your strength

When you know that you are strong enough to handle being hurt, let down, rejected, or even betrayed by other people, it’s much easier and less scary to open up and trust others.

You can work on becoming stronger and trusting your strength by:

• Feel your feelings instead of numbing, avoiding, or trying to stop the ones you dislike

• Practice self-care by making your own emotional and physical needs and wants a priority

• Find the ‘lesson’ or ways you grew/learned from difficult or painful experiences

• Use self-compassion exercises to be kinder in how you talk to/treat yourself

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• What trust issues do you have? Do you trust too easily or is it difficult for you?

• Which life experiences contributed to your current relationship with trust?

• How is trust related to honesty?

• Are you always honest with yourself? Are you able to trust yourself?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

Learning to let go

Thank you Riley for preparing this weeks reading and journaling prompts.

(Riley’s thoughts)

Recently a close friend cut all communications with me. I had been trying to reach out to this friend and after multiple attempts, I searched their social media profile and saw that I had been removed. I have no idea what I’ve done wrong and I’m heartbroken losing this friendship. The last time we spoke, we hung out at my house and enjoyed catching up together and everything seemed great to me. I have no idea why been “dropped.” This lead me to a lot of negative self talk and questioning my self worth over it. Have I been a bad friend? Did something important happen that I missed? Have I not been there for this person? I feel blindsided, heartbroken, and even slightly angry. I wish I knew how I contributed to the end of our friendship—but that’s an answer I may never get. For whatever reason, our friendship has ended and I have to respect the boundary this former friend has placed between us. Learning to let go of things you love can be difficult and painful.  The things we may experience letting go range from people, old dreams, past experiences, and bad habits. 

Reading:

The Art of Letting Go by Susan J. Noonan, MD

How to Let Go by Tchiki Davis, PhD

“To begin, it seems to me that this act of letting go could apply to many different areas of our lives. It could apply to letting go of positive things in our life, which we would then grieve as a loss, and negative things, which we may feel like a huge relief, as a burden lifted.

It could be the “letting go” of a relationship that is no longer satisfying to you and may be toxic; a habit that no longer serves you well or may even be detrimental (like smoking or eating too many cookies); or a job or volunteer experience that is creating additional stress.

It could be letting go of a dream you once had for your future and then having to accept and grieve that loss.

It could be getting rid of an old way of thinking about yourself or your world and adapting to a new way of thinking that might not come as easily: that takes work.

It could be letting go of the guilt surrounding high expectations we set for ourselves and never quite achieve, now replacing them instead with more realistic goals. 

Old memories are also in this category of letting go. Fond memories are good to keep but others are not always positive or helpful to hold on to and might drag us down, so letting go of them is often recommended but hard to do.

A person could be motivated to let go, to make a change, because of some degree of dissatisfaction in his or her life or a realization that he wants or deserves more. Letting go also comes into our lives as we adapt to a major loss as part of the grieving process.

Letting go can be scary. It’s a big unknown, with lots of uncertainty. It means leaving behind what is usual and comfortable — even if those are not always in our best interest — and branching out to what might feel odd at first. Sometimes it feels easier to stay put and not take the chance.

I can see how letting go might have an impact on our wellbeing and in turn our mood. Having wellbeing means that you have a life with purpose, meaning, and direction, based on your own beliefs and convictions, where you make use of your personal talents and potential, manage your life situations well, have positive relationships and accept yourself.

Having to let go of something positive in your life that contributes to your wellbeing — like a relationship you counted on — could negatively affect these things and your sense of wellbeing. This might happen with a divorce or if you lose your job because of illness. You then feel down, depressed, perhaps hopeless.

But the opposite is also true. Letting go of a negative in your life that causes you stress, such as a toxic relationship or an unfulfilling job, could free you up and improve your sense of wellbeing and your mood, self esteem, and confidence. We then see ourselves and our world in a much-improved way.” -The Art of Letting Go, Susan Noonan, MD

“We humans really like to cling to things, even things that we know are bad for us. One reason is likely because the more we feel like we know ourselves, the more we like ourselves (Baumgardner, 1990). If we already know ourselves as someone who's in a relationship with a certain person, we might not know ourselves as well if that relationship ends. Or, if we quit a job—even a job we hate—who will we be then?

Knowing ourselves is such an important part of our well-being that letting go of something central to the way we see ourselves can be scary. We are uncertain of who we'll be or how we'll feel. And as a result, we can get stuck, clinging to both good and bad things in our lives, unable to practice acceptance and move on. 

Here are some tips for letting go:

1. Expect the best.

When letting go, try to think about the good things to come in the future and expect the best. If we expect to fail, we are actually more likely to fail (Bénabou & Tirole, 2002).

2. Let go of blame.

When we blame someone we make assumptions about the intentions behind what they've done (Malle, Guglielmo, & Monroe, 2014). Maybe we think they were intentionally cruel to us with the goal of hurting us. But wishing that the other person acted differently does us no good. Instead, we’re better served by thinking about how we might act differently to get what we want in the future.

3. Practice self-compassion.

Practicing self compassion can be a useful tool to help heal wounds and move forward effectively. So try to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for any mistakes, and accept your needs as they are.

4. Look for silver linings

When we get stuck in fear, we often only see the potential bad outcomes without looking for what could turn out good. Try to shift your mindset to let go of fear or anxiety and replace it with hope or optimism. 

5. Try journaling

I don't know about you, but I'll often hold onto fear just because I don't want to forget all the things I "think" that I need to be worried about. I can't relax knowing that things are up ahead and that I might not be prepared enough. That's why daily journaling can be a big help. Consider writing down a list of things to let go of. Once they are down on paper, commit to letting go of them in your head. You can always go back and look at them if you feel you need to, but the interesting thing is that you often don't—writing them down gets them out of your mind.” -How to Let Go by Tchiki Davis, PhD

Thought/ Journal Topics:

1. Think/write about something you need to let go. What are some of the impacts on your emotional health and well-being you may encounter?

2. Think/write about something you’ve let go. What’s been the positive aspects? What’s been the negative aspects? Overall, how has your life improved?

3. What are some techniques you can use to work on letting go?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

Chasing Happiness

Thank you to Luther for preparing this weeks reading

(Luther’s thoughts)

Recently I’ve been anxious about life. Yes I’ve achieved a lot, but it’s not enough. I want a house, a partner, and a stable career. Once I finally have those things, then I will be happy. Although I’m working hard on my goals I’ve realized that my thinking is flawed. I’m so focused on what I don’t have and how I think I should feel.

(Laura’s thoughts)

I hit my deepest low when I checked off all the boxes I thought would make me happy. I had a good job, a condo, truck, motorcycle, cat, boyfriend… but it still wasn’t enough. I was searching for happiness externally and through validation. When I started looking within myself everything changed. I still have shit days but at least I’m not chasing a carrot at the end of a stick anymore.

Reading:

Pattakos, Alex: “Stop Chasing Happiness, Look for Meaning Instead.”

Travers, Mark: “If You Want to Be Happy, Don’t Chase Happiness.”

There has been a lot of research on the chase for happiness. A study cited in Psychology Today article by Mark Travers found that the people induced to value happiness were less happy than those in the control group…This can be explained by an over-attentiveness to our own feelings of happiness which can causes us to focus on life’s “what-ifs” and “why-nots” to a counterproductive degree.

The study also focused on two different approaches people take when valuing happiness:

1. Aspiring to happiness. People who take this approach view happiness as a very important goal. The study suggests that this tendency is relatively harmless.

2. Concern about happiness. People who take this approach tend to judge whether they are happy enough. It is this tendency, according to Zerwas, that gets in the way of attaining happiness by introducing negative feelings into the pursuit of happiness.

The article mentions two elements to happiness that can “make or break” it.

1. The strategies that an individual uses to pursue happiness matter. For example, prioritizing activities that bring positivity to one’s daily life is an evidence-based strategy to increase one’s happiness. If people are able to recruit useful strategies to reach their goal of feeling happy, then the pursuit is much more likely to be successful.

2. The extent to which an individual feels badly about their emotions while pursuing happiness matters. Typically, feeling bad about something can help motivate us to pursue our goals more successfully. For example, after getting a poor performance review, feeling bad can help motivate us to perform better in the future. The same is not true when our goal is to feel happy; feeling bad about our emotions while pursuing happiness is counterproductive to the goal of feeling happy and makes attaining happiness less likely.

“Happiness is an emotion that is linked to pleasure but it can be fleeting; it doesn’t last.

We can share a happy moment when we are enjoying a good meal or a good laugh with a friend, but this emotion only lasts a short time. Sooner or later, we must face and respond to the challenges life throws at us. We must be ready to take on the fullness of life — the ups and downs, the joys and sorrows, the pleasures as well as the suffering”

(Pattakos).

So, what can we do about this?

“Overall, allowing oneself to experience one’s emotions, whatever they may be, with an accepting attitude could be a useful tool for pursuing happiness” (Travers).

Pattakos explains that there needs to be a shift from focusing on the pursuit of happiness to a pursuit of meaning. He suggests the first steps in reconnecting with the basics of life to find meaning whatever our personal circumstances:

● Others — finding ways to strengthen our connections and sense of belonging with others

● Purpose — discovering deeper insights so that we can “know ourselves” and engage with deeper purpose by using our unique talents to extend beyond ourselves to help others

● Attitude — choosing our attitude toward what happens in our lives to build resilience and seek health and well-being in all situations we may face All three steps will help you on your path to finding deeper meaning in your life and work.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

Which apporach do you take in valuing happiness? Do you aspire to be happy or are you more concerned with where you’re at?

What is happiness?

What does being happy look like for you?

Does everyone experience happiness in the same way?

Is happiness the same as joy?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

When Trust Is Broken

Thank you Riley for preparing this weeks reading / journal questions.

(Laura’s thoughts)

Feeling betrayed fucking sucks. Theres no easy way around it. I am still very weary of trusting others because I’m scared of being hurt. My inability to really trust others makes it hard for me to ask for help. This is something I’m trying to work on.

Since I started looking more at myself I can see how I’ve hurt people I love. It wasn’t intentional but I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to really understand how my actions affected other people. I know that it will take a long time to regain that trust. I try to remind myself that actions speak louder than words. I need to respect peoples boundaries, even if that means I don’t get to be apart of their life anymore. Forcing my friendship upon people is not considerate and ends up hurting me too. For some people the best I can do is give them space and practice being a better listener. Patience ….

Reading: When Trust is Broken: The Road to Repair by Andrea Guschlbauer, PhD

“Trust is one of the most fundamental components of human connections. It impacts how we make sense of the world and interact with others. Trust develops very early on; helpless infants become either fearful or trusting depending on how caregivers meet their physical and emotional needs. As we grow trust continues to develop through our experience of how others treat us; whether or not they respond sensitively and appropriately to our needs. Later on in life trust continues to serve as the basis for our interpersonal relationships including romantic ones. A satisfying relationship is the most commonly cited goal of people worldwide and trust is the cornerstone of relationship satisfaction. It should come as no surprise then that stress in the form of breaches of trust can have extensive negative effects on our psychological and physical well-being.

We lose trust in our partners for a host of reasons including abuse, infidelity and deceit. Once trust is broken we often experience tremendous anxiety and resentment, which can create a wall between ourselves and our partners. We might withdraw from those close to us and feel quite lonely. Unfortunately, most of us face some form of mistrust or betrayal at some point in our lives. The good news is that there is hope; it is possible to regain trust and rebuild a damaged relationship.

Repairing trust is a challenging undertaking and can be a long process involving patience on the part of both partners. The work entails replacing painful memories with healing ones that help to develop a sense of safety and well-being.

Here are some key steps in repairing trust and recovering from a betrayal:

1. Acknowledge the betrayal; take responsibility. Do so as soon as possible since damage and healing time increase the longer you carry the burden in secret.

2. Make an effort to maintain honesty. Because your partner’s trust has been shaken they will likely need continued and repeated evidence over time that they can trust you again. During this time you might find yourself answering a lot of questions about the betrayal. Be patient and answer these questions, as they can be an opportunity to begin rebuilding trust.

3. Although it can be difficult, allow your partner to share their feelings about the betrayal. You cannot expect to reestablish trust without a full recognition of the consequences from what has happened. Listen to them without arguing or debating and validate their experience.

4. Patience is key. It takes much longer to rebuild trust than it did to earn it the first time around.

We cannot rush or force the process of rebuilding trust. It is built through small moments over time; everyday moments that may seem insignificant but serve as the building blocks of healing and repair. When our partner wants to talk to us about a bad day, asks us for help with a chore or looks upset – these are all opportunities to connect with our partner and rebuild trust. We are turning toward our partner rather than turning away and saying “I’m here for you”.

Betrayal can be a critical point in our relationship stories. Because breaches in trust come in big and small packages (we are not just talking infidelity here) it is inevitable that we will face betrayal in our relationship at some point or another. Rather than see these occurrences as a signal for the end we might choose to use this difficult time as an opportunity to not only repair but to strengthen our relationship.”

Thought/ Journal Topics:

Think of/write about a time you broke someone’s trust. Did you take full responsibility? Was trust able to be re-established? If not, what could you have done differently to make those small steps towards rebuilding trust?

1. Think of/write about a time someone broke your trust. Was trust able to be re-established? If not, what could have that person done to make those small steps towards rebuilding trust?

2. Depending on how trust is broken, can it ever be re-established? Write or share your thoughts.

3. How does having trust broken in one relationship affect your relationships with others?

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

HUGE thank you to Riley for preparing this weeks email. :)

(Riley’s thoughts)

I can really struggle with setting boundaries with close family. I often feel I have to live up to their expectations or wants, even if it goes against my personal beliefs or wants for myself. I often feel attacked for setting the boundaries I need in order to have a healthy relationship them. My boundaries are often disrespected or ignored when they are set, which has led me to have lower self esteem about myself. I sometimes feel I’m not worth the basic respect we all deserve as humans. Setting clear, healthy boundaries is something I still need to work on.

Reading:

How To Set Healthy Boundaries In Close Relationships by Pamela S. Willsey LICSW, BCD, PCC  

7 Tips To Create Healthy Boundaries by Abigail Brenner M.D.

“Setting boundaries is a form of self-compassion. Taking care of yourself with values-based decision making is the ability to create the experiences you want for yourself. Additionally, self-compassion will give you the capacity to show compassion to others, strengthening your connections and relationships. Saying ‘no’ is an act of self-compassion, and it can limit emotional pain and suffering.

Not everyone will like you. You can’t be all things to all people, family and friends included. You also won’t be invited or included in all of the things that you wish you were. Setting and communicating clear limits or boundaries is necessary for all healthy relationships.“ 

“One reason that we fail to set or hold personal boundaries is the erroneous belief that we don’t deserve them. There is no character trait or belief that you hold that makes you undeserving of being treated with dignity and respect. Someone may not like you, but all human beings have the inherent quality of humanity. If someone treats you with less than common courtesy, you have the right to point that out and to expect to be treated considerately.

Know your limits and values.

You are under no obligation to do anything for anyone. By knowing your personal limits and values, you can make good choices about saying yes to requests that have meaning to you and setting boundaries when people ask you to take actions you’re not comfortable taking. You don’t have to support a coworker’s kid’s fundraiser or take on a volunteer project or vote a certain way because it matters to someone else. You decided how to spend your time. Take actions that matter to you.

Be consistent.

Some people have been taught that “No” is an unacceptable answer, and so they will badger you with the same question over and over until you acquiesce to their request. Hold your ground. Just as you might teach a child that you have made a decision by repeating your answer when hounded, you teach others to respect your boundaries by being consistent. You can even reinforce your boundaries by saying something like, “I have already said that I am unable to fulfill your request. Please stop asking. I find it disrespectful that you are not honoring my answer.”

Say “no” when you want to.

You might be the best person to do a job. You might have more skill than others. You might be perceived as having the time available. You might have more resources than others. None of that matters. If you do not want to do something, say "no." If you focus your time, energy, and resources on the activities and people that have value to you, you will develop more self-respect and enthusiasm for the activities you decide to take on.

It's flattering to be asked, but a request does not come with an obligation to accept.

Pay attention to your needs and feelings.

One of the ways we overcommit is by not paying attention to our needs and feelings when our boundaries are pushed or breached. We can potentially worsen depression, anxiety, or feelings of low self worth by disregarding our feelings. What you feel and want in your life matters. Listen to your gut when someone approaches you with a request or treats you in a way that is inappropriate to you.

Communicate clearly and assertively.

If you want someone to respect your boundaries, state what you require clearly. You do not owe an explanation. It is inappropriate for you to be hounded or abused. Your response could be anything from, “I quit,” to “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not willing to take that project on,” to, “I said 'no' and I’m not open to discussing your request further.” When you speak with clarity and firmness, you are more likely to have your boundaries respected.”

“How do you know if your boundaries are being crossed? Generally, there are a few broad categories that comprise boundary violations: verbal, psychological, emotional, and physical. Ethical, spiritual, and moral boundary violations exist as well.

Verbal violations include not allowing you to speak or be heard, raising their voice and/or screaming at you, saying things that are derogatory or inflammatory about your integrity and character, gossiping about you.

Psychological and emotional boundary violations include preying upon your sense of self and self-esteem, using what you’ve told them in confidence against you, lying to you, criticizing, demeaning, judging, or manipulating you, making fun of you, your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for them or a situation, making demands of your time and energy, shaming or embarrassing you, bullying you, or assuring you that their thoughts and beliefs are superior to and more important than yours.

Physical violations include moving into your personal space, touching you without permission, being inappropriate or too familiar, especially sexually (including sexual references and overtures), touching or handling things that belong to you, violating your privacy (cell phone, computer, social media contacts, personal records), damaging or destroying your personal property, or threatening you with physical harm.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

• Think of time you did not respect someone’s boundary. What can you do different in the future?

• Think of a time you felt you did not have a healthy boundary with someone. How can you make your boundary more clear and healthy?

• By setting boundaries, you’re telling others how you want to be treated. List some phrases you can say that make your boundaries clear.

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.

How to say NO

Huge thank you to Riley for preparing this weeks email.

(Riley’s Thoughts)

I can struggle saying “no” especially in the work setting. I don’t want to let down my superiors or my coworkers down and I end up overloading myself to the point of exhaustion. I end up failing to complete the job adequately because I stretched myself to thin. My fear of letting my superiors or coworkers down ends up becoming true because I took on more than I could handle.

Reading:

“How (And Why) to Say No”

“Saying no is a skill that most of us struggle with. It is very common for many people in therapy to trace some of their anxiety, stress, and overwork to difficulties, or an utter inability to say no. People over-commit to a range of things and often feel like they have to say yes to every opportunity that might come their way. However, every new choice comes with an opportunity cost (i.e., the loss of capacity to invest in other options).”

“People often struggle to say no because of a multitude of reasons, including socialisation (“you can’t say no to people,” “you must not be selfish”), expectations from friends and family, the fear of missing out, and structural commitments (having to keep up with diverse roles, such as work and childcare). Sometimes we need to say no to other people, but sometimes we need to be able to say no to ourselves first.

My clients often express a range of worries when they consider saying no to something. Some common worries include:

• Not knowing when to say no or what to say no to

• Being unsure how to politely say no

• Being worried about how the no will be received (worrying that people will become upset or angry when they receive a no)

With the latter, I encourage people to remember that a good boundary to hold is knowing that we cannot control someone’s reaction to something—the only control we have is in carefully assessing a no, and in offering it respectfully and politely. Allowing other people to experience and process their feelings without making it your responsibility, is a key competency when thinking of saying no to something. It might be helpful to remember that most reasonable people will respond well to an occasional no, and if someone is unreasonable then it is even more reason to erect firmer boundaries and say no more often.

In general, when trying to work out when to say no, I encourage people to ask themselves a number of questions to assess opportunity costs. These questions are:

• Do I have the time, energy, and money for this at the moment?

• Do I want to do this?

• Will this add value to my life?

• Is this aligned with my values?

• Am I saying yes, only because I am scared of saying no?

If the answer to any of these questions indicates that a no might be in order, then it is important to know how to say no. The main things to consider when saying no are the context of the relationship (how close is the relationship?), the request being made or opportunity being offered, and what we want to say no to (we might want to say no to part of the request but allow another part).

Some people find it easier to say no to people close to them because they know what response they might receive and some people might hold the belief that being in a close relationship means being self-sacrificial and always being there to support someone else. In general, the closer the relationship, the more likely it is that we will want to be there for someone, but this does not mean that we never say no. It is probably even more essential to have good boundaries with the people closest to us, so we can maintain healthy and long-lasting relationships.”

Some examples of saying no:

• Thank you, but that is not for me./Thank you, but no. (Simple, easy to understand, and makes it about you, not the other person. It is also perfectly okay to say no without explaining why.)

• That’s a lovely offer, but I have over-committed and can’t fit that in at the moment. Can we try that next month? (A good one to use when you want to do something, but don’t have the time, energy, or money for it. Another way to say this might be, "I don’t mean to offend, but my bucket is full and I cannot take that on right now.”)

• I don’t have the capacity to do X at the moment, but I could do Y? (A good one to use when you feel like you can say yes to part of a request or can offer a compromise [“I can’t man the bake stall, but can drop off a cake.”])

• Sorry, I have something else on. (It is important to use this one carefully only when it is true, not as an easy social white lie to avoid saying no.)

• I can’t help with that request, but have you tried talking to X about it (Sometimes we are simply not the best people for the role, or can’t offer what is being sought. I will often use a variant of this in personal relationships when I feel like people are over-stepping my boundaries and seeking mental health support on a consistent basis from me, instead of seeking therapy support from another professional.)

• I don’t think I’m the best person to help with that, sorry. (Simple and honest.)

• I’m sorry I can’t help with that, but I think you will do a great job yourself. Perhaps we can talk it over later? (A good way to offer a compromise when you feel like someone might be too dependent and is asking you for support for things they may be able to do themselves)

The crux of saying no is understanding why you are saying no, noting what you are saying no to, and understanding your blocks by saying no. Are you scared of missing out? Feeling guilty? Worried about the response? It can be helpful to remember opportunity costs and to remember that saying no to things that do not align with our goals and values can help open up time for things we do value and can thus contribute to a happier and more fulfilling life.

Thought/ Journal Topics:

Think of a time you said “yes” to something you wish you would have said “no” to. What was the result of that decision? Did you stay aligned with your values?

• Where do you struggle saying “no” most in your life? How can you improve?

• List some examples of ways you can say “no.”

Thank you for reading. We hope to see you tomorrow.