Trust Issues
Thank you Luther for preparing this weeks reading. (shortened for our purposes)
(Luthers’s thoughts)
I don’t really think of myself as someone who has trust issues, but that’s because I try to avoid allowing myself to rely on other people. When I would work on a group project I would do most (or all) of the work myself. I assume people aren’t going to follow through when I ask them to do something for me. If I don’t give people opportunities to let me down, I won’t get hurt.
I’ve started by taking small leaps of faith. Asking a friend to show up for this snowboard premiere that was important to me. Part of what really counts for me is effort. Even though one of my friends couldn’t end up coming, they still texted me afterwards to see how it went. In that moment, it helped me realize, they care about me. Even though they couldn’t be there. The other big thing was talking through issues, when I had a problem with one friend I tried my best to communicate with them rather than just shutting down. When we got through the other side, I was pleasantly surprised to find that they didn’t just ‘give up on me’ and leave. We are still friends. Finally, I know if I do get hurt again in the future I will be ok. I’ve had it happen before and I’ve made it out the other side. Learning to trust and rely on people isn’t easy, but I feel like it’s worth it.
Reading:
How to Overcome Trust Issues with Friends by Hailey Shafir, M.Ed, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS
1. Check which trust issues you have
Knowing the signs of trust issues is an important first step in being able to know if you have them and, if so, how and where they tend to show up.
Some of the common signs of trust issues include:
Insecurity: worrying about being rejected, disliked, or abandoned
Expectations: expecting everyone to leave, betray, lie, or hurt you
Suspicion: feeling suspicious of people’s intentions, actions, or words
Guarding: being overly private or hesitant to open up to others
Testing: needing to constantly test a friend to see if they are loyal, honest, or sincere
Jealousy: often feeling threatened or jealous of friends
Independence: having trouble asking for or accepting help from others
Dependence: being overly clingy, controlling, or needy in relationships
Once you know why, when, and how your trust issues show up, the next steps involve doing things differently when they do arise.
2. Trust until you have a reason not to
Try starting with the assumption that a person is trustworthy until they prove they are not, rather than requiring people to prove themselves.
3. Take a small leap of faith
Trust can’t develop in a friendship without taking a ‘leap of faith’, or choosing to trust someone even if you aren’t sure you can. With new friends, try asking for a small favor or telling them something personal and ask them not to share it.
4. Don’t assume it’s personal
If a friend doesn’t text or call you back right away, consider what might be going on with them. It could be that they are in a meeting, doctor’s appointment, or don’t have cell service. By not assuming it’s personal, you can often see the situation more clearly and understand your friend’s true intentions.
5. Let yourself be seen and heard
Strong relationships require vulnerability, which means remaining open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and needs, even when it’s scary.
6. Talk through issues while they’re still small
Communication can be a powerful way to keep your relationships strong and healthy. Address conflicts, disagreements, or hurt feelings when they arise instead of letting them build up.
7. Choose the right friends
If you find yourself carrying all the weight in a friendship, there may be more going on than trust issues. When you have trustworthy friends, it’s much easier to work through trust issues.
8. Know when to cut your losses
If friends aren’t willing to put effort into making things right with you, it may be important to cut your losses and focus on friendships where the trust goes both ways.
9. Trust your strength
When you know that you are strong enough to handle being hurt, let down, rejected, or even betrayed by other people, it’s much easier and less scary to open up and trust others.
You can work on becoming stronger and trusting your strength by:
Feel your feelings instead of numbing, avoiding, or trying to stop the ones you dislike
Practice self-care by making your own emotional and physical needs and wants a priority
Find the ‘lesson’ or ways you grew/learned from difficult or painful experiences
Use self-compassion exercises to be kinder in how you talk to/treat yourself
Thought/ Journal Topics:
What trust issues do you have? Do you trust too easily or is it difficult for you?
Which life experiences contributed to your current relationship with trust?
How is trust related to honesty?
Are you always honest with yourself? Are you able to trust yourself?
