Learning to let go
Thank you Riley for preparing this weeks reading and journaling prompts.
(Riley’s thoughts)
Recently a close friend cut all communications with me. I had been trying to reach out to this friend and after multiple attempts, I searched their social media profile and saw that I had been removed. I have no idea what I’ve done wrong and I’m heartbroken losing this friendship. The last time we spoke, we hung out at my house and enjoyed catching up together and everything seemed great to me. I have no idea why been “dropped.” This lead me to a lot of negative self talk and questioning my self worth over it. Have I been a bad friend? Did something important happen that I missed? Have I not been there for this person? I feel blindsided, heartbroken, and even slightly angry. I wish I knew how I contributed to the end of our friendship—but that’s an answer I may never get. For whatever reason, our friendship has ended and I have to respect the boundary this former friend has placed between us. Learning to let go of things you love can be difficult and painful. The things we may experience letting go range from people, old dreams, past experiences, and bad habits.
Reading:
The Art of Letting Go by Susan J. Noonan, MD
How to Let Go by Tchiki Davis, PhD
“To begin, it seems to me that this act of letting go could apply to many different areas of our lives. It could apply to letting go of positive things in our life, which we would then grieve as a loss, and negative things, which we may feel like a huge relief, as a burden lifted.
It could be the “letting go” of a relationship that is no longer satisfying to you and may be toxic; a habit that no longer serves you well or may even be detrimental (like smoking or eating too many cookies); or a job or volunteer experience that is creating additional stress.
It could be letting go of a dream you once had for your future and then having to accept and grieve that loss.
It could be getting rid of an old way of thinking about yourself or your world and adapting to a new way of thinking that might not come as easily: that takes work.
It could be letting go of the guilt surrounding high expectations we set for ourselves and never quite achieve, now replacing them instead with more realistic goals.
Old memories are also in this category of letting go. Fond memories are good to keep but others are not always positive or helpful to hold on to and might drag us down, so letting go of them is often recommended but hard to do.
A person could be motivated to let go, to make a change, because of some degree of dissatisfaction in his or her life or a realization that he wants or deserves more. Letting go also comes into our lives as we adapt to a major loss as part of the grieving process.
Letting go can be scary. It’s a big unknown, with lots of uncertainty. It means leaving behind what is usual and comfortable — even if those are not always in our best interest — and branching out to what might feel odd at first. Sometimes it feels easier to stay put and not take the chance.
I can see how letting go might have an impact on our wellbeing and in turn our mood. Having wellbeing means that you have a life with purpose, meaning, and direction, based on your own beliefs and convictions, where you make use of your personal talents and potential, manage your life situations well, have positive relationships and accept yourself.
Having to let go of something positive in your life that contributes to your wellbeing — like a relationship you counted on — could negatively affect these things and your sense of wellbeing. This might happen with a divorce or if you lose your job because of illness. You then feel down, depressed, perhaps hopeless.
But the opposite is also true. Letting go of a negative in your life that causes you stress, such as a toxic relationship or an unfulfilling job, could free you up and improve your sense of wellbeing and your mood, self esteem, and confidence. We then see ourselves and our world in a much-improved way.” -The Art of Letting Go, Susan Noonan, MD
“We humans really like to cling to things, even things that we know are bad for us. One reason is likely because the more we feel like we know ourselves, the more we like ourselves (Baumgardner, 1990). If we already know ourselves as someone who's in a relationship with a certain person, we might not know ourselves as well if that relationship ends. Or, if we quit a job—even a job we hate—who will we be then?
Knowing ourselves is such an important part of our well-being that letting go of something central to the way we see ourselves can be scary. We are uncertain of who we'll be or how we'll feel. And as a result, we can get stuck, clinging to both good and bad things in our lives, unable to practice acceptance and move on.
Here are some tips for letting go:
1. Expect the best.
When letting go, try to think about the good things to come in the future and expect the best. If we expect to fail, we are actually more likely to fail (Bénabou & Tirole, 2002).
2. Let go of blame.
When we blame someone we make assumptions about the intentions behind what they've done (Malle, Guglielmo, & Monroe, 2014). Maybe we think they were intentionally cruel to us with the goal of hurting us. But wishing that the other person acted differently does us no good. Instead, we’re better served by thinking about how we might act differently to get what we want in the future.
3. Practice self-compassion.
Practicing self compassion can be a useful tool to help heal wounds and move forward effectively. So try to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for any mistakes, and accept your needs as they are.
4. Look for silver linings
When we get stuck in fear, we often only see the potential bad outcomes without looking for what could turn out good. Try to shift your mindset to let go of fear or anxiety and replace it with hope or optimism.
5. Try journaling
I don't know about you, but I'll often hold onto fear just because I don't want to forget all the things I "think" that I need to be worried about. I can't relax knowing that things are up ahead and that I might not be prepared enough. That's why daily journaling can be a big help. Consider writing down a list of things to let go of. Once they are down on paper, commit to letting go of them in your head. You can always go back and look at them if you feel you need to, but the interesting thing is that you often don't—writing them down gets them out of your mind.” -How to Let Go by Tchiki Davis, PhD
Thought/ Journal Topics:
Think/write about something you need to let go. What are some of the impacts on your emotional health and well-being you may encounter?
Think/write about something you’ve let go. What’s been the positive aspects? What’s been the negative aspects? Overall, how has your life improved?
What are some techniques you can use to work on letting go?
